Monthly archives "June 2014"

Rod Stewart can get it!

I woke up this morning with the oddest desire to hear an old Rod Stewart song so strongly that I felt the need to share it with my son on the way to school. After pumping gas for me I gave him a brief history on what I knew of Rod Stewart….my son appeared to be interested but skeptical. I couldn’t remember the name of the song or all the words but I could remember the beat, the tone, and the emotions I felt from the song. Low and behold I found the song and boy did I  have the words wrong…see I was young when the song came out-so technically I had no idea what he was singing about…..when I heard the song….. I was like,  omg….is this how your feeling this morning……I thought to myself-yep……his words exactly……..listen

If your vagina was a superhero what would it look like?

 

I’m sick of the Pussy Police, always worried about what someone else is doing with their pussies. What is the deal, the fascination of the pussy, and if it is so dam bad….why won’t muthafuckas stay out of it or leave it alone altogether. I am aware that I have separated the pussy from its body on purpose because it is if the two can not co-exist in peace without being demoralized, devalued and demeaned when it comes to a woman’s sexuality. So I share this story with you….to illustrate my point.

When I was around 9 years old I started my period I was pissed off because anyone who knows me knows that I hate surprises, so when my mother came to me a week and I mean 7 days before this wretched thing appeared I was in lala land. My YeYe came to me all coy and sentimental talking about how her mother never told her about her period and when it came she didn’t know what is was and as a result, she had to throw away all of her panties. So imagine being nine years old and you hear this story, I’m like, what a complete moron, how the hell do you not tell someone that one day they will bleed like a waterfall. The movie Bloody Mary had invaded my thoughts-not that I had seen the movie, which was prohibited by my parents but from all the details from my peers that was my visual.

Anyway 7 days…and I mean…7 days later my period came and I was like, “Really, you tell me about this 7 days ago and it shows up, are you serious, do you think that was enough time for me to prepare for such an event!!”, I said to my mother. Granted she thought she did better than her mother but I was convinced and still am that they both were complete IDIOTS. Now imagine, at the next family gathering, where 30 some odd people come to you sometimes in groups or singular, proclaiming, “YOU’RE A WOMAN NOW!” “You told, the whole family?” “Yes!”, my mother replied. Talk about humiliation…..but I’m not done yet.

Sometime after the victory celebration by everyone but me, I was eavesdropping on a conversation-my parents were having about the ramifications of me “getting my period” and the only way I can describe the conversation was that “my pussy” had become a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION and it had to be policed and my father sanctioned my mother as the official Pussy Police. It seemed like a scene out of an X-MEN movie when parents are trying to figure out what to do with their mutant child. Now what would a super mutant power pussy look like if it were a super hero in the form of a human?

To be continued……….

 

 

How to mind your own business?

When did we learn if something feels good for you it has to feel bad? I overheard a conversation between two attractive” women of a certain age”, as  Wendy Williams says. She began to talk about how she was falling for a younger man, one half her age, she talked about the unusual way she had met him and the politics and implications such a relationship could have on her life, but try as she might-she could not bring herself to stop talking to the man who had made her body feel alive and who had carried her mind away with the most sensational thoughts that her body tingled or had that sensation that over takes a woman’s body after she has fallen in love with a man that she’s made love to and with the thought of his name her mind weakens and her body begins to glide like a ghost searching to be reunited with his spirit.. Her hatenass friend gave her some hatenass advice, my eavesdroppin ass wanted to ask the woman of a certain age…..when was the last time a man of any age made you feel this way? And more importantly, why do you feel bad about feeling good?

How to prevent a panic attack?

I have been in a slight panic for a couple of weeks….so much so that I have wanted to have a break down not a nervous breakdown but that oh shit what am I going to do….how am I going to make it through the next month type of break down, yet I have been able to fully have one because, in all honesty, there really is no need to.

I feel alone and scared because I do not feel as if I have anyone else to depend on other than myself and since I am the constant Motivator, who motivates the Motivator? I think about if I were to die today, right now, I would not make it into heaven because my heart is not as light as a feather. In my culture when you pass away you heart is placed on a scale along side another scale where a feather is placed on it and if your heart weighs less than a feather than you are permitted into heaven.

Today, I would be ” shit out of luck!”, as my Yeye says, if I died. It seems pretty simple and easy but truthfully speaking, how do you unload your heart of all the burdens it feels and at this moment it feels heavier than an elephant. Lighten up, relax, let go, let go and let God, easy breezy, don’t panic, don’t worry, everything is going to be ok, everything happens for a reason, God doesn’t put more on you than you can handle, pele pele, breathe, stay calm, calm down, take a deep breath, inhale, exhale, close your eyes.

So I close my eyes and take a deep breath knowing that I am not alone because there is always someone with me although I might not be able to see them with my naked eye and at times like this I wish so badly I could see my guardian angels just for reassurance. There are times that no matter how old you get, you feel like the first time you let your mother’s hand go on the first day of school and the panic that you might never see her again, clinches your heart that you begin to cry, until she reassures you she is coming back and she does.

Why do women have sex?

Sitting at the bar at Buffalo Wild Wings half ass watching the NBA finals a familiar conversation started about men cheating. The conversation went something like this, ” Men cheat but there is a difference between a man cheating and a man being loyal, see when a man is loyal he has your back but he might dip out on you from time to time but he’s not going to be with the woman he has sex with, she knows to stay in her lane!” So basically from this dude perspective it was all about wanting to have sex with a different woman.

Now add to the conversation, from another dude at the table, ” If she was doing her job I would not be dipping!” Now this is where I interjected because “‘how was she now responsible for your behavior?” I’m like if you want to have sex with another person outside of your relationship, then just make it be just about that-no more no less. In addition to making the woman responsible for his cheating he also stated that there is a silent agreement between women and men that it is ok for men to cheat.

With that being said, of course the women at the table decided to ask if they could accept their women having sex with another man and still be with her……long silences from both and to add insult to injury, I asked, ” Would you be ok with your woman using her chin as a ball rest for another man?” And like the dinosaurs I knew there were, the old, “Women are not wired to cheat, they are not wired to want to bust a nut for the sake of busting a nut!” Add finally, they both proclaimed that if their “women” had sex with another man and they found out they would leave her immediately. Final consensus, they could dish it out but they couldn’t take it.

Now I don’t know where some men get these asinine ideas that women are not sexual, considering they are having sex with a woman. Are the women they have sex with outside of their relationships not women?……..I’m confused. However men justify having sex with other women is their business, if you live long enough, as a woman you will learn the old saying, ” aint nothing better than some pussy than new pussy!”

So with this knowledge, it’s hard to take wanting to “bust a nut” personally just know women also like to bust one to just for the pure hell of it and it might be with another man-deal with it!

Is Bragging Rude?

 

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Interviews and getting clients are all about being able to brag about yourself. But how many of us are comfortable talking about ourselves let alone big upping ourselves. Now hear me clearly I know some professional bullshiters, snake oil salesmen, straight verbal pimps- I myself am not one of them. Now don’t get me wrong- get to know me and you will  clearly see that I carry myself with a certain je ne sais qoui but can I free style like Black Thought from the Roots about what makes me great at the drop of a dime, Hell no, it’s down right uncomfortable. Seeing as in certain environments, having noticeably high self esteem can cause a fight (I will tell you about that in another blog), one begins to try and hide to be safe. But that safety net hinders you as you grow and develop and when your in that interview for that much needed job or you need to snag that client to keep your lights on, modesty has to go hurling out the window. Cuz hear me clearly, the verbal pimp with less skills than you will get the job over your meek ass. So here’s the deal, get with some of your partners, your girlfriends, your family and start a bragging session. Make a circle and when it’s your turn to brag get in the middle so all eyes can be on you. No rules set it to a cheer, a song, a dance just for 2 minutes say the most brave, fun and outlandish things about yourself?

You just hate me, cuz you aint me!”- Smokey from Friday