Monthly archives "June 2015"

Good girls versus bad girls

 

You got to always have a spare tire cuz you don’t know when you gon catch a flat-Doll Baby

One day my father comes up to me and asks if I know a petite girl at my school with blonde hair and blue eyes. As my mind scanned the campus of people who went to my middle school I could not recall any white girls going to my school-so I blew it off.

Until, the onset of my parents splitting up. The ninth grade was a hellish year and had I been my own mother I would have removed me from that school. So Jwaynee came up to me saying Allie ”  The School Hoe” wanted to talk to me, I was immediately exasperated. I thought to myself, ” God damn I got to fight her to!”

But then I remembered she wanted to have a conversation, something I didn’t generally have with the girls I had to open up a can of whup ass on. For the record, I’m not calling Allie a hoe, it was her reputation, supposedly she was notorious for giving out blow jobs. Who knows, this was the rumor. Thinking back on all of this, how she was labeled a hoe, I will never know given the fact that there were so many young girls walking around pregnant between the ages of 12-15 years old but that is another story.

Anyway, I met up with Allie in one of the corridor hallways, and as I looked into her blue eyes, and my eyes scanned up to her blond hair, and down to her luscious lips, I could simultaneously hear my father’s voice as she apologized to me through watering eyes. ” I’m sorry. I feel so bad! My mother has been messing around with your father. He comes over my house all the time. I feel so guilty. I have wanted to tell you for a long time. I feel so bad because I know your parents are getting a divorce and I feel guilty because I know the truth.”

I was crushed, embarrassed and humiliated because here I was standing face to face with the so-called “hoe of the school” watching tears roll down her face. It took me years to cry, to let those feelings of betrayal be released. At that moment, I knew Allie had been judged wrong, even if she had been sucking dick behind the bleachers, she still had better character then the so-called good girls because at least she had the grit to be honest with me.

I kept that conversation, to myself for years, as my pain, turned into rage because my father was such a fucking dictator and tyrant. He was so hard on me and my mother and my mother in turn was hard on me, I had to be perfect, to be polite to learn and know how to cater to a man’s every whelm.

As my parents marriage disintegrated into dust. Imagine the blow to my identity, the night my father took us to meet Susan his new boo (by the way not Allie’s mom), not to long after he and my mom broke up. My two brothers and I sat in a dark living-room with the television being the only light in the room, watching my father bask in a glow I had never seen before….thinking……

” Why the hell are we sitting in the dark?  What kind of shit is this?” There is nothing romantic about 3 kids sitting between their dad and his new girlfriend. Frustrated, I got up and started making my way to the kitchen without asking and it wasn’t until I hit the light switch that I understood why we were all sitting in the dark. As soon as the lights came on roaches  all different sizes began to sprint like lightning in all directions, after I screamed like Jamie Lee Curtis in Friday The 13th!

Susan ran to the kitchen trying to play it off, with my father right on her heels and I couldn’t believe this was the same slave-driving ratbastard who expected perfection from us all, my mother was the neatest and cleanest woman I knew to the point of having a touch of OCD and here I was running  from roaches who personified Diana Ross’s breathy lyrics “this my house and I live here!” My grandmother swore Susan had put a spell on my father.  I can hear my grandmother say, ” That bitch wont even clean her own toilet!”

The hypocrisy and double standard that I have seen from my own father and other men in my life at times is the reason I turn into a Fire Breathing Dragon cuz while I had been trained to work for a man like Olong in the book the Good Earth, although I was raised in the 21st century, leaves me confused and scratching my head like I got flees. Here my father was laid up, all dewy eyed over fantastic & nasty-yet, I was supposed to remain chaste, lady like, pure as the driven snow, and was told countless times I would never get a husband because of my imperfections and flaws!

My father set an impossible standard of being a Good Girl/That Ride or Die Chick/That Let Me Cater To You/You Are The Supreme Baba -Let Me Bow To You nevertheless, if they had an Olympics for how to be everything to a man, I would be a 4 time  Gold Medalist!

Don’t waste your time trying to be perfect because while you master being a StepFord  wife, your man will be on the other side of town, with a chick with 3 teeth in her mouth addicted to meth…..I’m just saying. Real talk…rumor has it my father broke up with Susan cuz she started fucking wit that Crack. But not  before my Yeye threatened to whup her and my father’s ass after my brother came home with his bags packed saying her kids had moved in the house we grew up in making my brother feel unwelcomed in his own house.

With, the line drawn in the sand and one phone call to my Baba, Susan and her kids moved out our house. This whole good girl versus bad girl is bullshit and we all know……

Bullshit aint nothing but chew up grass and cows don’t even won’t it-Famale Ballard