How to learn from other people’s mistakes!


08 Mar 2015 --- Two young female dancers poised with arms raised on beach --- Image by © Sheri Neva/Corbis

Veronica Conway said and I’m paraphrasing ,” I  had to fire my own parents and told them they had to be sane to come back and when I heard her say that- I felt relieved because I had fired my own parents at one time and countless friends, actually a high number of them were mysteriously plucked or dumped out of my life-like a stealth bomber.

It was painful going from being married with children with friends I had since childhood to being estranged and fighting for my freedom through a divorce process that lasted 4 years and during those years, it seemed as if I did not really know any of the people  I had in my life. One of the most painful experiences is the level of betrayal I felt by the women I had befriended over the years, not to mention the greatest betrayal at the hands of my own mother.

Looking back- on it all -the one sure thing that all these women had in common including my own mother was that they were used to be mistreated. When I revisit conversations or time spent with these women it was mostly about commiserating on how badly they had been treated. Over and over again, the rehashed of past injustices and current injustices of the mistreatment we had endured became like a badge of honor and our bond of sisterhood and commonality was that we were all addicted to being treated like shit!

I remember feeling one day weeks after receiving a phone call from one of my then husbands side chicks asking me to have lunch with her as if we were going to become sister wives, there was a feeling from deep inside that rose out of me and I knew if I did not make a change I was going to die. The thing that pissed me off the most was that for years I had given my ex whatever he wanted and everything I did benefited him, I had set him up to win, I had made him a champion and I was like his own personal super hero yet he was incapable and unwilling to push me forward.

I had denied myself, had pushed my self down so that he could be bigger than life -my behavior mirrored the scene in the movie Coming to America, when the gorgeous Regina Bell’s character says, ” Whatever you like!” and eventually barks like a dog. So imagine the surprise he must have felt when after 20 some odd years I informed my then husband that the rules of engagement were in effect changing that things had always been about him, now they were going to be about me! Needless to say, my leaving for a 10 day vacation did not go over so well.

When I returned home, my Ex had changed the locks on our home resentful and enraged that he had to figure out how to care for our children while I was away not to mention his simple-minded sister through gas on flames told him that I must have been cheating on him. Imagine my dismay that my sister-in-law would excuse me of cheating when she in fact was the one cheating on her husband. I’m like-she got a lot of nerve!

My ex had done a piss poor ass job of providing for his family not because he was lazy or ever unemployed he was a financial fuck up and his families pathology to self destruct to the point of putting the entire family  in turmoil was ever present considering that no matter how successful they would become as my Baba, has so eloquently pointed out, ” A nigga aint satisfied unless his balls is in a vice grip!” The stupidity of both my sister-in-law and then husband gave further verification that it was the end. I shook my head when my Ex returned home finding me in the house.

Now while I have my flaws and imperfections-I am a practical woman who is able to use reason and logic and so for my then husband to believe I had left to cheat instead of acknowledging that I needed a break and some rest because I was on the verge of a nervous break down was a major insult! ” Do I look like somebody who gon be out searching for dick when I’m hungry and broke?” I said to myself. Even a bird got sense enough to throw her baby out of the nest to see if the male bird can catch it before she mates with him. Who you know fuckin on a growling stomach-it sure in the hell aint me!

So  when I finally got the chance to look my cheatin ass “Community Dick! ” husband in the face I had asked him why he would listen to anything his sister would have to say about me. I asked him, ” Do you think I would go all the way to Chicago for some dick and come back home with a wet pussy and empty pockets? Do you? Yo sister got time to be sucking another dude dick cuz she is taken care of by her husband, she aint wonting for shit. If I was out fucking and suckin I would have come up in this bitch with brand new furniture, my hair done with a brand new wardrobe, with a big ass purse full of money! I don came back in the same ragedy ass clothes I left with, wit lent in my pockets!”

Sad to say my fantasies of returning home being greeted by flowers and a bubble bath was busted by what would be the first betrayal by a woman I considered a friend my own sister-in-law. I contemplated snitchin on her to her husband giving him vivid details she had shared with me of how her and her lover had both planned to leave their spouses for each other. I didn’t say a word. Imma -let Karma -do what it do!

Chose your circle of support with women who are doing better than you in areas you need improving. Choose your circle of support with women who treat themselves good and who have cultivated healthy relationships with lovers, spouses, friends and families alike. Choose your circle of support with women who celebrate  life and who take good care of themselves. Choose your circle of support with women who believe life is working in support of them and not against them.

Please avoid at all cost creating and or maintaining circles of support with women who do not know how to be treated well.  If you enter a circle where 3 or more who got Pookies and countless stories about bad behavior that mirrors Jerry Springer Shows run don’t walk away from these women because if you stay and later decide that you no longer want to be in the “treat me like shit club!” they will be the very people who will try to keep you stifled!

You can lie, deny, make yourself small, go along to get along, push yourself and your feelings down for years to be in a relationship and at some point the real you is going to show up and people will not know what to do with you-so it’s  better to show up as your full real self that way you avoid the pain that I have endured!

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