Monthly archives "August 2015"

We gaslight ourselves!

Last week I went to dance class and for a split second, I thought I had traveled back to 9th grade.  As, I was putting my friends number in my cell phone, she began to introduce me to a man. Let’s call him Rob because I cannot remember his name.

I gave Rob a lukewarm greeting because I was already slightly annoyed because when I showed up to the class, there was a boat load of new people not wearing  lapas which meant, if the regulars didn’t show up I would have to carry the class and who got time for that? Who shows up to African dance class dressed like you bout to do Yoga…really?

Feeling some relief because Teresa had shown up to class, my reception to Rob became less anal by the end of our exchange, now mind you,  as we were being introduced, he was a distance away and as we exchanged greetings he walked further in the opposite direction.  As he walked away, a woman sitting to my left, in the nastiest tone said, ” Who do she think she is to be introducing her to my husband?” I looked at Teresa and she tried to act like she didn’t hear the women.

I took a deep breath, inhaled, exhaled, sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes, all while shaking my head. I thought to myself, “here we go!” The wife gets louder and more indignant as Teresa smiles and further ignores the woman’s outbursts.

I ain’t got the good sense God gave me, yells across the room ” I’m his wife! Anyway, Rob, how you know her?” Rob starts mumbling, ” I know her from Marieme’s class.” ” I thought you ain’t never been to Marieme’s class!”, the wife shoots back.

Is this really happening at dance class? I am now looking back and forth between the husband, wife and my friend fearing that things are about to turn violent and I am literally in the middle of the three of them. Again, I am sitting next to the wife, my friend is standing in front of me and the husband is now on the opposite side of Teresa.

My anxiety and my temperature start to rise because things are escalating and Teresa attempting to ignore the woman is like throwing gas on a fire. As if a broken record, she says, ” I’m his wife and I don’t play that polygamy 1, 2, 3, 4 wives, I ain’t wit that Muzlam shit! Who she thank she is to be introducing her to my husband, I’m his wife!”

I’m thinking to myself, why is she talking as if I am not in the room when I’m sitting next to her which starts to make me even more nervous, so I say to her ” No one knew he was your husband and I’m sorry you feel disrespected but how were we to know he is your husband, it’s not like you guys were sitting next to each other. My friend was simply being courteous by introducing us.”

” I’m his wife, I ain’t wit that sharing, I don’t play that!” This time, Teresa responded, ” Neither do I! I suppose she thought by saying this it would calm the wife down, oh but no, the woman got more ignorant and louder!

By this time the man was standing in front of Teresa, “I’m his wife!”, the woman kept saying. My stomach dropped and I felt a security breech and my internal security barricade Sibel and her home girls was like, ” You got this- cause if you don’t we can handle it! ” I pretty much have retired Sibel, her home girls and her cousins for fear that I might end up in Chachila Women’s Penitentiary.

And the fear of prison, increases my cognitive abilities cause you caint whoop ass and not catch a case no more, plus from all accounts from women I know who have been to jail- when you get arrested and are on your period they make you take off you pad and have to stand naked, dripping blood during the strip search, if there is no sanctity even when you are on your moon-you know it got to be a- BAD PLace. I digress… Can you make a weapon out of a bloody sanitary napkin?

Where was I , oh, to  appease the navy seals team inside me- I told the wife, “You’re safe, we do not want him, you do not have to worry, he is all yours!” I aint got a dam bit of sense, responds, ” Wasn’t nobody talking to you! I was talking to her!” My diplomacy went out the window and I reacted, with the force of a hurricane, ” But I’m talking to you, shit….. I don’t know what your dawn problem is!”

She then broke out her cell phone and starting saying, ” So we cussing now! And began to attempt to start recording me. By then the husband, was pleading and saying, ” Please ignore her, she is crazy!” I could not believe that- this women who clearly looked over the age of 52- who I knew- for sure- was packing and carrying an AARP card was acting a complete fool in public. In the words, of my Baba, ” Some people grow up and some people grow old!”

Exasperated, I got up and went to get the studio owners niece who was working the front desk. I told, Lula’s niece what was happening and I said, ” She gotta go!”

The niece, tried to reason with the woman but it was hopeless and after deep frustration, she told Marieme, “She got to go!” Several attempts by different people to get the wife to behave became futile and eventually she was put out but not before she told the niece, ” this aint the last you gon see or hear from me again!”

According to the niece, the mad wife had told her that I hugged and kissed her husband, that’s why she was so upset. But the niece knew she was lying because as she left the building she threw a pair of keys at her husband yelling, ” You ain’t got to sneak around no mo!”

As we looked on, Natasha said, ” she ain’t crazy by herself, he has made her crazy and be cheatin on her all the time- I bet!” I responded, “that may be true, but at what point do you choose sanity over bullshit?” And in that instance, Teresa, bursts out laughing, ” I didn’t know he was married, he been calling me!”

I will say it- until I am blue in the face, if all a woman does, is fuss, cuss and start fights with other women based on her man’s infidelity but stays in a relationship with him she is consenting to him cheating! The lies we tell ourselves is what drives us crazy-not cheating spouses! Not honoring and being honest with ourselves about what we want and need is what drives women INSANE!

 

 

A cure for mad love

 

 

I was 22 years old and I was madly in love. The kind of love that is compulsive, explosive, potent, and that leads straight into obsession. This love made me feel as if I had been possessed-overtaken. My brain was cloudy and I used to feel so out of control and it left me feeling helpless. It was if  my then lover had total control of my mind and held all the space in my heart and I felt my only solution to kill the potency of the juju my lover had placed on me called for me to love someone else.

As strange as it sounds, I felt as if I would die or lose my mind, if I did not give space and room for someone else in my heart. Ironically, my boyfriends mother told me that I needed to get another boyfriend. Whose mother would tell you to get another man? I remember saying, ” but I’m with your son!” Her thinking was it would balance me and it help me regain power over myself.

I ignored my own advise to myself and my boyfriends mother advise- until, my sanity was pushed to the tipping point one to many times for my taste. I remembering praying to fall in love with another man, I prayed to have this man rescue my heart from the abuse it was experiencing. And with that powerful prayer no more like a mandate, L.A. entered my life.

I watched him as he stood on the wall and in the corner, silent, yet he missed nothing. We had one of our get to gathers as usual, this time a new face appeared. I hadn’t really paid him any attention when he was introduced to me by his cousin who happened to be one of my childhood friends. But as his back hugged the wall in this bright canary yellow bumber, I could tell he was in deep thought and in need of relief. So I walked up to him and asked if he had eaten and if I could get him something to drink and he began to apologize.

“I didn’t bring anything. I should be asking you what you would like. Forgive my manners, I was taught to not come to anyone’s house empty- handed. Let me run to the store to get something. What would you like?” I responded, ” Bring back what ever is your favorite.” He left and came back and after I settled him in, we began the longest and deepest conversation I have ever had with anyone. As we sat face to face with our knees touching it felt as if we were the only two in the room. I felt as if I were floating in outer space and I felt as if I had reunited with a past love or someone I shared a bond with many life times ago.

It was one of the most surreal nights of my life and I felt as if he held a mysterious key and answers to so many questions I had about myself. He opened my heart and body completely and I surrendered to him without fear or judgment because he made me feel safe, wild and free!

I don’t know karate but I know crazy

 

I can’t remember how old I was when I saw the movie, ” Sweet Dreams” staring Jessica Lange and Ed Harris, I was certainly a little girl and I was mesmerized and caught up in the drama of the movie as if I was some loved crazed middle age woman and I clung to every word and movement of the characters played by Jessica and Ed. I imagined myself as the character’s and placed myself right into the screen and each time Jessica sang one of Patsy’s song I fell deeply in love with a man I had never known.

I cried during the whole movie as if I knew what the lyrics to the song meant, ” I go out walking”…..hell, I would have helped her find her man if it  put her out of her misery. I sang her song, ” Crazy” as if  I had known love like that. So after falling in love with Jessica Lange, Ed Harris and Patsy Cline, I had resolved they were the best in the business.

To this day, I have yet to hear anyone sing ” Crazy ” as good or better as Pasty.  Although, I have not lost love for Pasty, I have lost my love of crazy love. Being crazy in love, appears the only time it is reasonably acceptable to be “Crazy”. Don’t get me wrong DMX’s ” Party Up” is a song many of us can relate to, however, how many of us would have had the courage to be able to express those kinds of emotions and language in his song without feeling some ridicule from onlookers. And as I write this- my heart goes out to DMX who has been publicly battling mental illness and drug addiction since he was a teen.

There is a romantic, nostalgic dance when crazy is associated with love but couple it with anything else and it’s met with the spookyness of the boogeyman or the cucuy, nothing- most people want to deal with. If people took interest and treated mental illness the way my toddler son and then husband stood transfixed to the T.V. in the middle of the living room with deep captivated penetration as Beyoncé jiggled her juicyness in her video ” Crazy in Love”, I’m certain the mental health care in America would be #1 in the world.

And since it’s not, one must take matters in their own hands and that begins with being Sane in Love, Whole in Love, Safe in Love, Happy in Love, Fearless in Love, having Peace of Mind in Love and first deeply in love and in blissfully in like with oneself. According to Lamp Community founder Mollie Lowery-there are 3 major factors that determine mental health: 1. environment, 2. DNA and 3. dopamine. Get Involved

Alternative Mental Health Resource is a site which helps break down mental disorders and their links to nutrition.