Monthly archives "September 2015"

BAE-Watching a cure for low energy!

I’ve been so restless lately with feelings of intense indescribable constriction and restriction! I haven’t had a lot of fun this year. Last year was wild, fun and energetic!  I let go and let loose! That’s it, I have been feeling pent-up, frustrated because everyday life has gotten pretty bland and my womanly energy is low.

I’m in the mood to play!!!! I’m in the mood to use my full feminine power and wrap men around my fingers. I use my powers for good!  Yet it’s been a while since I let myself be wild and free. I’m remembering the lost art of flirting…..I used to flirt with men all the time and I just realized I stopped doing it on a consistent basis. Why? Because, I’ve been too busy in my head to even look up let alone let loose, my focus has been on my goals and my plans that I forgot how flirting with men energizes me.

 

Studio portrait of young man --- Image by © Bernd Vogel/Corbis

What the hell is going on? This is the first year, I haven’t had a lot of men around me. Hmmm, not good. I’ve always had lots of male company, male associates and male friends. And I’m not talking about sexual relationships, I’m talking intimate relationships where men rub my feet, wash my hair, paint my toes, bathe me, rub me down with lotion or oil-put my pajamas on and put me to bed, scratch my dandruff, feed me,cook for me, party with me, protect me, make me laugh, talk to me, kiss me, massage me, work out with me and hug me when I’m sad or happy!

In the beginning of the year, I took an inventory and realized that some where along the journey I had lost my natural rhythm and had began to settle for less than I was used to by the men in my life. After my analysis I gave notice to the men in my life of the change in terms of our agreements and rules for engagement, starting from my father on down sum I fired, others I put on time out, and a select few I speak to briefly and check in with.

Apparently, I had not fully thought out my plan of action once the new rules were in place. I realized the error of my ways as I did a favor for an associate and filled in for her and let me tell you I dawn near forgot just how fine men were. I had not seen this many fine men in one place, in all shapes, sizes, height, skin color, hair textures, races, cultures, ethnicities and varied accents in a year.

For five days, I watched this dreamy French fine ass Cat daddy (he was James Bond Fine) so in shape, fit and cut-up , I’m sure I could have laid all my thick juicyness on his back while he did push-ups with ease. I saw so many FINE men from the Middle East, my eyes danced with jubilee and if more than a few of them had reframed from speaking  I swear you would have mistaken them from FINE ASS  Daquans, Tariqs and Nates from the hood…..I’m just saying.

There were two Young Hot half Asian, half white boys, I would just stare at and not even pretend to look away when they caught me staring. And let’s not forget the older Brotha with the cinnamon, dipped in honey complexion, who would lightly rub his fingers tips in my palms as I gave him his belongings. On my last day, he looked me in the eyes and said,” I’m looking for a wife.” I thought to myself, ” Hey now!” I would have been excited had I been looking for a husband but I already been on that plantation…..umph!

It’s been a while since I put the tip of my nose on the side of men’s neck and whispered, (it could be a perfect stranger) ” You smell good!” and then walk away. I love to use my index finger to call a man over to me and then make a request of him.

 

 

The #1 cure for a headache!

 

I was lying in my bed sleep when I first heard this song and the horn sections’- vibration and frequency hypnotically

aroused my sheets until I could no longer sleep or ignore Jill Scott’s voice. I finally submitted and sat straight up in

my bed in a trance as if I were sitting before a Cobra and as I listened to her words I understood immediately that

she was not talking about fighting over a man but rather she was making a declaration about someone intruding on

her inner space of feeling good, relishing in her own beauty, sexiness and complete bliss that glows like the moon on

a fall night, from the after effects of Divine Vitamin D. As I listened intently I felt a  reawakening of my own feminine

bliss and I could not deny my own delicious sweet juiciness as I began to recall my  lovers that gave me a glide in

my stride and a pep in my step!

Once you get a certain age not fucking or getting dick or a regular basis causes to many problems…..ya dam neck be

hurting, I’m talking knots harder to untie than the boys scouts, your head, your back. I’m wondering does it lead to

the onset of dementia cause you caint think straight-it just lends itself to sheer craziness.

 


Staying out of men’s business

 

Two pairs of black dress shoes --- Image by © Monalyn Gracia/Corbis

I’m witnessing a growing trend throughout the media where a significant amount of men are blaming black women for the plight and the ills of the black community at large. Reading and listening to all the negative talk about black women I could hear my Auntie in my ear as she poetically says, ” Yall was fucking-right!”, each time one of us gets pregnant. I am not of the mind-set that just because we fucking means a man wants to be with me. Nor do I believe in having children by men who do not want them but that’s another topic.

So when my Baba called  alerting me of all the things I needed to do to safe guard myself against the 100’s because they were on a killing spree.  As he spoke, I was thinking in my head, “who the hell are the 100’s” because growing up in South Central I knew just about all the names of the gangs from the East side to the West side. I’m thinking so there’s been a consolidation and a merger amongst the gangs or had they seen too many Sparta movies. I began to lose interest in all this male bravado and dick fighting. His solution was for me and my children to stay in the house and this is where I got indignant and I went left. I’m going to paraphrase the conversation.

” Do I look like I got a penis and some balls? I don’t! (I did say that verbatim)  Ain’t these yall sons, nephews, grandsons, cousins, etc. Why yall don’t get out there and talk to these boys? Why don’t all the motorcycle groups  and the men in the community get in the streets and do something about this instead of calling  to scare the shit out of me!”

I told my father, ” Listen I survived all the terror from the Crack Epidemic and if you think I gone be terrorized again you got another thing coming!” Yall just gon sit and watch another generation of black boys kill themselves and do nothing! I’m a female don’t put this shit on my back, yall men and yall need to handle yalls business and I hung up the phone.

Hear me clearly, these men are complacent in helping these boys kill one another and terrorize our communities. Their silence aids and abets these criminal activities and all these men got to say, ” Its Black Womens fault!”  At the same time,there are plenty of black men that take care of their families, as they should. And there are plenty of youth who join gangs with parents in the home, so don’t get it twisted. Children- don’t join gangs because it’s fashionable they join gangs for connections, to be loved, to be apart of something, to feel honor and have honor, to feel pride, to feel empowered, to feel like a man, to become a man.

How successful could any of these youth be in successfully reaching their full maturation into manhood  considering everything they are taught is through peer-to-peer learning. What would have been my  chances in reaching the highest potential in my own personal development into womanhood had I led by my own peer group. It’s the blind leading the blind so can we really blame or be surprised at the behavior of these young boys-absolutely not!

Every time, I get mad and disappointed at my Ex, I quickly remind myself, that I CHOSE HIM and what ever deficiencies  he has is to damn bad. I gotta work with him even if he makes my ass itch! I picked a man who didn’t have the skill set to be and do certain things but it doesn’t mean he can’t acquire them.

There are days when I point the finger at him. There are days when I’m righteously angry at him but I remind myself and say to myself, ” You wasn’t saying this shit when you was fucking him! If he was good enough to fuck knowing full well his background you caint even fix your lips to be like he aint shit because at the end of the day, he is the father of your children and if you cannot respect him then you have a problem!”

I told yall before me and my Ex did everything ass backwards, before we finally got married. We had our first child in our early twenties and he loved that girl as soon as she was born, it was and still is a complete love fest between the two of them. Despite the love he had for our daughter he would still play hoe games and disappear because he was hanging out having a good time doing what young twenty something men do who are fine and have good dick!

I was a shit talker, my mother was not, my mother operates like a ninja, she is silent and methodical-you will never see her coming. I watched how my mother handled my father and he was a hand full. I used to think my Yeye was weak for they way she used to respond to my Baba’s disrespect. Watching my Yeye I learned that talking shit and doing nothing is a Waste of Time! So one day, I had enough of frustrating my damn self and took my daughter down to her father’s job after weeks of him not seeing her.

I found my daughter’s father on the milk aisle stocking merchandise. He looked pleasantly surprised to see us, until my  frown did not come off my face even after our eyes met. I was thinking, ” Dam he looks good. Focus dummy, this is why he gets away with everything”, I told myself. Our daughter ran to him and they embraced like two love birds, they both were giggling and smiling at each other.

His nosy ass co-worker was all in our conversation and kept eye fucking me and sending telepathic messages but I ignored her ass and kept talking to my daughter’s father. He had a million excuses as to why he had been missing in action. I knew he only had about an hour left on his shift so I left my daughter with him on the milk aisle.

My Ex said, in a whimpering voice as he gritted his teeth, ” You gon leave her here, while I’m working!” I said, ” What’s wrong with here, shit this is a kid friendly place to be, look at all these mamas’ in this store wit all they kids, it’s the perfect environment for children seeing as they got to eat!” Listen, I took my daughter to work and to school with me, we were joined to the hip. It had been weeks since he had done any parenting-it was his turn!

As, I walked away, my daughter waved and yelled, “Bye Mommy!” His nosy co-worker, was looking at me saying, “shame shame!”- in her head, as she looked at me with disdain. I sent her a message right back. ” Fuck you, I aint taking care of no baby by my damn self, mind your own damn business!” Over the years, I’ve developed all kinds of tactics, strategies and shenanigans to get him to consistently participate as I gave him room to grow up, to mess up, to fuck up and try again until he got it right!

Not liking or wanting to be with somebody is an easy cop-out for not parenting children. We aint got to like each other-we just got to work together and raise these children!

When you feel like kicking yourself in the ass!

04 Oct 2014, Dhaka, Bangladesh, Bengal --- Slum child enjoying color play on the ocassion of last day of Durga Puja. Bangladeshi Hindu devotees put vermillion and color on each other's faces as they dance on the final day of the Durga Puja Festival in Dhaka on October 4 2014. The five-day Durga Puja festival commemorates the slaying of a demon king Mahishasur by goddess Durga, marking the triumph of good over evil. (Photo by Zakir Hossain Chowdhury/NurPhoto) --- Image by © Zakir Hossain Chowdhury/NurPhoto/Corbis

I rarely, discuss my college education because to me, it’s bullshit and the rate of return on my investment was negative because  college don’t teach you how to make money. Hear me clearly, I learned some valuable and priceless shit going to college but not in the classrooms. We pay heavy prices when we lie to ourselves!

Their usefulness comes down to paying a heavy personal penalty for not listening to my dawn self and trying to please my mother and family. I allowed myself to engage in them Respectability Politics, and the unyielding dis-ease of The Need to Please when I knew better!

Just cuz folks is grown and you a child don’t mean they know what your destiny is. The shit we do to be loved and accepted can destroy dreams and take you off your path if you begin to believe that other people know what’s best for you!

I would just as well use my degrees to wipe my own ass if the paper was as soft as Charmin. I use language and my own self expression to speak to peoples’ hearts and to self-correct. I ain’t better than nobody and certainly aint inferior to nobody!

Everyday all day we receive messages in lightening speed, telling us,” you ain’t shit, you’re not enough, you’re not good enough, you too loud, you too strong!”, it goes on and on……… Truth be told, many and most of us heard these messages from our caregivers/family members/friends add technology as the Reinforcer and what you get is a recipe for complete devastation to the human spirit.

The shit don’t stop and not that I don’t get insecure and not that I don’t get scared sometimes but what I  know 4sho, is that the Universal GOD, whatever name that you prefer to call on, created nothing the same. With, all the people in the world each person has  unique finger prints only to themselves.

There is no leaf on the branch of a tree the same as any other on that same tree so why would I continue or start to compare myself against what anyone else has, does or says.

The streets got it right, “Mind your own business and you can live longer!”

 

The best revenge is Sweetness!

 

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, strength is defined as : the quality or state of being physically strong, the ability to resist being moved or broken by force, the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way, and or the quality or state of being strong, capacity for exertion or endurance, power to resist force: solidity, toughness.

My ex-husband texted me last week to ask if I were ok, he said that he had a dream about me and was concerned about me, I started to lie and say I was great, yet I knew that it didn’t make sense to lie to a man I had spent most of my life with. Truth be told I was in tears of mourning, needing a soft place to land and arms to cry in, wishing I could sit in my vulnerability and be honest about how I really felt.

Just days before, I spoke with J.T. and she reminded me, if I needed anything L.A. would provide it but I would never bring myself to show any of what I perceived as weakness to him. Although, he was a soft place to land I would never give myself the permission to do so.

My ex-husband and ex-lover are the kinds of men who can make you feel powerful beyond measure yet the power they can have over you can be destructive if not used for good. My reluctance to be vulnerable stems from fear of being not only emotionally hurt but rather physically hurt.

I can hear, L.A.’s voice in my head, ” Be sweet!” Those words used to soothe me when I found myself mad and or disappointed with his behavior, his ability to keep me calm while being angry was something I couldn’t understand, he kept me soft and supple, relaxed, in a complete state of surrender. I always wanted to be in full compliance with him and I intently used my words because to be disrespectful was not allowed. Before, he would disrespect me, he would leave me alone.

He is the kind of man, you can dobale` (dooh-ba-lay) to without fear that he will kick you. So why would I be afraid of a man who makes me completely surrender without fear of punishment, fear that he might  really see me, fear that my openness will bring a flood of tears that may last for months, even years, fear that if I had a chance to lay in his arms and release I may be healed. He would never know because the fear of speaking those words that would fully express my feelings and emotions render me speechless, my desire to purge is not stronger than the terror I feel and standing in front of him in complete vulnerability makes me forget my own name!

Would I ever be able to tell my ex-husband I miss him being my friend, that I never thought in a million years that we would ever not be best friends. I cried on his shoulders when L.A. and I broke up, there was no conflict that my heart loved them both, no judgement, he just wiped my tears and let me cry-we were young then before the bitterness and  plaque and decay began to hardened our hearts and it became easier for us to deny the love we felt for one another because the system had finally broken us and we both threw in the towel not due to lack of love but for the brute strength it took to be black and in love.

May God bless both of my exs for they both have been safe places to land in various points in my life, one being my protector and the other my guide.