Staying out of men’s business


Two pairs of black dress shoes --- Image by © Monalyn Gracia/Corbis

I’m witnessing a growing trend throughout the media where a significant amount of men are blaming black women for the plight and the ills of the black community at large. Reading and listening to all the negative talk about black women I could hear my Auntie in my ear as she poetically says, ” Yall was fucking-right!”, each time one of us gets pregnant. I am not of the mind-set that just because we fucking means a man wants to be with me. Nor do I believe in having children by men who do not want them but that’s another topic.

So when my Baba called  alerting me of all the things I needed to do to safe guard myself against the 100’s because they were on a killing spree.  As he spoke, I was thinking in my head, “who the hell are the 100’s” because growing up in South Central I knew just about all the names of the gangs from the East side to the West side. I’m thinking so there’s been a consolidation and a merger amongst the gangs or had they seen too many Sparta movies. I began to lose interest in all this male bravado and dick fighting. His solution was for me and my children to stay in the house and this is where I got indignant and I went left. I’m going to paraphrase the conversation.

” Do I look like I got a penis and some balls? I don’t! (I did say that verbatim)  Ain’t these yall sons, nephews, grandsons, cousins, etc. Why yall don’t get out there and talk to these boys? Why don’t all the motorcycle groups  and the men in the community get in the streets and do something about this instead of calling  to scare the shit out of me!”

I told my father, ” Listen I survived all the terror from the Crack Epidemic and if you think I gone be terrorized again you got another thing coming!” Yall just gon sit and watch another generation of black boys kill themselves and do nothing! I’m a female don’t put this shit on my back, yall men and yall need to handle yalls business and I hung up the phone.

Hear me clearly, these men are complacent in helping these boys kill one another and terrorize our communities. Their silence aids and abets these criminal activities and all these men got to say, ” Its Black Womens fault!”  At the same time,there are plenty of black men that take care of their families, as they should. And there are plenty of youth who join gangs with parents in the home, so don’t get it twisted. Children- don’t join gangs because it’s fashionable they join gangs for connections, to be loved, to be apart of something, to feel honor and have honor, to feel pride, to feel empowered, to feel like a man, to become a man.

How successful could any of these youth be in successfully reaching their full maturation into manhood  considering everything they are taught is through peer-to-peer learning. What would have been my  chances in reaching the highest potential in my own personal development into womanhood had I led by my own peer group. It’s the blind leading the blind so can we really blame or be surprised at the behavior of these young boys-absolutely not!

Every time, I get mad and disappointed at my Ex, I quickly remind myself, that I CHOSE HIM and what ever deficiencies  he has is to damn bad. I gotta work with him even if he makes my ass itch! I picked a man who didn’t have the skill set to be and do certain things but it doesn’t mean he can’t acquire them.

There are days when I point the finger at him. There are days when I’m righteously angry at him but I remind myself and say to myself, ” You wasn’t saying this shit when you was fucking him! If he was good enough to fuck knowing full well his background you caint even fix your lips to be like he aint shit because at the end of the day, he is the father of your children and if you cannot respect him then you have a problem!”

I told yall before me and my Ex did everything ass backwards, before we finally got married. We had our first child in our early twenties and he loved that girl as soon as she was born, it was and still is a complete love fest between the two of them. Despite the love he had for our daughter he would still play hoe games and disappear because he was hanging out having a good time doing what young twenty something men do who are fine and have good dick!

I was a shit talker, my mother was not, my mother operates like a ninja, she is silent and methodical-you will never see her coming. I watched how my mother handled my father and he was a hand full. I used to think my Yeye was weak for they way she used to respond to my Baba’s disrespect. Watching my Yeye I learned that talking shit and doing nothing is a Waste of Time! So one day, I had enough of frustrating my damn self and took my daughter down to her father’s job after weeks of him not seeing her.

I found my daughter’s father on the milk aisle stocking merchandise. He looked pleasantly surprised to see us, until my  frown did not come off my face even after our eyes met. I was thinking, ” Dam he looks good. Focus dummy, this is why he gets away with everything”, I told myself. Our daughter ran to him and they embraced like two love birds, they both were giggling and smiling at each other.

His nosy ass co-worker was all in our conversation and kept eye fucking me and sending telepathic messages but I ignored her ass and kept talking to my daughter’s father. He had a million excuses as to why he had been missing in action. I knew he only had about an hour left on his shift so I left my daughter with him on the milk aisle.

My Ex said, in a whimpering voice as he gritted his teeth, ” You gon leave her here, while I’m working!” I said, ” What’s wrong with here, shit this is a kid friendly place to be, look at all these mamas’ in this store wit all they kids, it’s the perfect environment for children seeing as they got to eat!” Listen, I took my daughter to work and to school with me, we were joined to the hip. It had been weeks since he had done any parenting-it was his turn!

As, I walked away, my daughter waved and yelled, “Bye Mommy!” His nosy co-worker, was looking at me saying, “shame shame!”- in her head, as she looked at me with disdain. I sent her a message right back. ” Fuck you, I aint taking care of no baby by my damn self, mind your own damn business!” Over the years, I’ve developed all kinds of tactics, strategies and shenanigans to get him to consistently participate as I gave him room to grow up, to mess up, to fuck up and try again until he got it right!

Not liking or wanting to be with somebody is an easy cop-out for not parenting children. We aint got to like each other-we just got to work together and raise these children!

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