The best revenge is Sweetness!

 

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, strength is defined as : the quality or state of being physically strong, the ability to resist being moved or broken by force, the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way, and or the quality or state of being strong, capacity for exertion or endurance, power to resist force: solidity, toughness.

My ex-husband texted me last week to ask if I were ok, he said that he had a dream about me and was concerned about me, I started to lie and say I was great, yet I knew that it didn’t make sense to lie to a man I had spent most of my life with. Truth be told I was in tears of mourning, needing a soft place to land and arms to cry in, wishing I could sit in my vulnerability and be honest about how I really felt.

Just days before, I spoke with J.T. and she reminded me, if I needed anything L.A. would provide it but I would never bring myself to show any of what I perceived as weakness to him. Although, he was a soft place to land I would never give myself the permission to do so.

My ex-husband and ex-lover are the kinds of men who can make you feel powerful beyond measure yet the power they can have over you can be destructive if not used for good. My reluctance to be vulnerable stems from fear of being not only emotionally hurt but rather physically hurt.

I can hear, L.A.’s voice in my head, ” Be sweet!” Those words used to soothe me when I found myself mad and or disappointed with his behavior, his ability to keep me calm while being angry was something I couldn’t understand, he kept me soft and supple, relaxed, in a complete state of surrender. I always wanted to be in full compliance with him and I intently used my words because to be disrespectful was not allowed. Before, he would disrespect me, he would leave me alone.

He is the kind of man, you can dobale` (dooh-ba-lay) to without fear that he will kick you. So why would I be afraid of a man who makes me completely surrender without fear of punishment, fear that he might  really see me, fear that my openness will bring a flood of tears that may last for months, even years, fear that if I had a chance to lay in his arms and release I may be healed. He would never know because the fear of speaking those words that would fully express my feelings and emotions render me speechless, my desire to purge is not stronger than the terror I feel and standing in front of him in complete vulnerability makes me forget my own name!

Would I ever be able to tell my ex-husband I miss him being my friend, that I never thought in a million years that we would ever not be best friends. I cried on his shoulders when L.A. and I broke up, there was no conflict that my heart loved them both, no judgement, he just wiped my tears and let me cry-we were young then before the bitterness and  plaque and decay began to hardened our hearts and it became easier for us to deny the love we felt for one another because the system had finally broken us and we both threw in the towel not due to lack of love but for the brute strength it took to be black and in love.

May God bless both of my exs for they both have been safe places to land in various points in my life, one being my protector and the other my guide.

 

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