Monthly archives "November 2015"

Home Depot-a remedy for self soothing Part 2



Man in fur cap in wild terrain --- Image by © Arman Zhenikeyev/Corbis

So off I go to Home Depot feeling like a superhero. I make my way to the paint department and I am greeted by two millennials, nope that’s not correct. More like,  I stroll up on a young man and a young woman leaning against merchandise having a conversation and as the young woman looks over her shoulder she notices me and the young man follows her eyes to see what has caught her attention. Do you think she greeted me once we made eye contact?

On the contrary, the young lioness looks at me in total disgust as the young lions’ eyes begin to light up because  I had on a black t-shirt that was pretty see through and the juicy breasts that I grew naturally after breastfeeding my son became a distraction to their conversation, which caused her to roll her eyes and suck her teeth at me, she abruptly ended the conversation with a , ” Bye, Tyrone!” (I’m sure his name was something else but I forgot to read his name tag, so let’s just call him Tyrone) as if they were on a date instead of being at work. I shook my head thinking, “Baby girl why you at work acting all desperate and thirsty?

Hell, she might have thought I was thirsty- seeing as my breasts were spilling out of the t-shirt I had on and while I am no spring chicken I am still in child-birthing age. Although, I would not want to get pregnant at this age for fear that the child would have three eyeballs considering a woman’s eggs are old at age 27 and the kid would have to feed itself knowing full well I would be to dam tired to have a baby. More importantly, when you get a certain age, your body temperature increases and you’ve got to have at least one of your body parts getting some air at all times to prevent heat exhaustion. So until they invent air-conditioned bras and panties-I’m gon have my tities out!

Back to the story……..I tell the sales guy what I am looking for and I find a pack of what Martin had described only it had been opened and was missing pieces and they weren’t any other in stock. Now I spent way more time then I needed to in Home Depot asking questions, getting the wrong answers and subsequently buying the wrong merchandise.However, I did not know this until I returned home.

Once I got home, Martin informed me I had bought the wrong thing, Ugh and loud grunts came from my mouth because I had to return to the store and I became even more irritated because I had to stop by the gas station because I was on E, just to get back to Home Depot safely.

On my way back, I roll up my least favorite Shell Gas station, I hate Shell gas cause it burns too fast. As I exit my car, I noticed an attractive but frumpy dressed Latino lady standing at the door to the entrance of the mini mart where you go in to pay for gas and snacks. She says to me, “They not open but she in there!” I’m like, ” whose in there?”

So I go over to the outside pay window and lo and behold there is robust black woman, hovered over a desk top calculator but before I noticed the calculator, I ask her, ” Have you been robbed? Is that why the doors are locked?” She says, “Un Un, aint nobody here but me and I got to do the register so I’m not giving out gas until someone else comes in at 6pm!” So I’m like, Uhm, you’re preventing yourself from being robbed!”

As I walk away from the window, I yell to the air, ” I hate the ghetto!”  I reprimand myself for being to dam lazy to get gas earlier. I get gas and I return to Home Depot only to have forgotten my wallet in the car after I reached the customer service counter to return the wrong merchandise and get my money back to buy the correct items so Martin could finally start the job.

I go out to my car to get my wallet containing the receipt and as I lock my doors, two Latinos ladies look incredulous as our eyes meet as we watch a white Van speeding out of the parking lot with the back doors open. I yell to get the drivers attention but he keeps speeding out the parking lot as if he had just taken a pee infested with gonorrhea hurrying to the doctor.

Buckets of newly purchased white paint were spilled all over the parking lot and as I watched the Van hit all the speed bumps without slowing down, I laughed so hard I almost peed on myself thinking, ” It sucks to be him and just wait until he gets where ever he is going and finds out all the shit he bought aint in the back of the van!” I also said a prayer hoping no one got hurt just in case more things started falling out the van.

When I got home, my family member told Martin, Oh boy, I know she down at Home Depot with her toe tapping with her hands on her hips because we didn’t listen. It seems I tap my toe and put my hands on my hip as I talk to soothe myself and prevent myself from turning into a dragon and leveling the city. Little did they know my irritation had dissipated once I got to the Shell Gas station and once I told them what happened in the Home Depot parking lot and after getting home and watching them do the reenactment of my toe tap we all fell out laughing!

Becoming a witness and or acting as a spectator in your own life is a great way to disengage from having negative emotional responses to undesired events and or bullshit that happens in your life.



How to deal with ungrateful children!


Being a parent is a thankless job. Children don’t come with manuals and treating each child the same is dangerous because they all come with different needs. The first child is a real experiment and often times the one you make the most mistakes on. I’ve taken the job of motherhood as serious business and while I have made plenty of mistakes I did my best and my intentions were to teach my children that their lives belong to them and no one else.

Your children think you don’t know shit and at times I have found myself saying to my children, ” You would like me if, I had 5 baby daddies, with a host of boyfriends coming through here! I’d mean something to yall if was feeding your asses popcorn and kool-aid for dinner! You’d think I was smart and would listen to me had I not taught yo ass how to read!”

And we aint even go discuss dealing with your children when they get grown. Baby just sit back and wait for the day they have their own children that alone can ease the frustration of dealing with ungrateful, unappreciative, thank you don’t know shit children!

If you’ve managed to raise children without taking to substance abuse or have been able to resist the urge of beating the shit out of them (because it only makes their behavior worse) and if you’ve become a broken record over time and have managed to co-parent efficiently despite being divorced, never been married and or have managed to sustain a marriage and still be in love while raising children.

If you have managed to respect your children’s choices even when you know they are making the wrong decisions and have given them the space to grow and develop, give yourselves a pat on the back ( I secretly talk to my ex-husband more than I did when we were married because children are crafty and if you don’t communicate they will run circles around you). Plan a I did my best party, it doesn’t have to be elaborate but if you’ve managed not to super fuck up your children, then it deserves a celebration because your children most likely aint gon give you one!

I laugh as I remember my Yeye saying more like yelling at us growing up. ” If I had some piss you’d want it. if I had some shit, you’d want it- I caint have nothing-wit yall beggin asses!” Did it stop us from beggin-NO. Did it stop us from busting in the bathroom while she sat on the toilet-NO. Did it stop us from entering the restroom as she took a bath-NO, all the while beggin!

The most fun we had as children( with the exception of my youngest brother-he hated to hear yelling, although he laughed with us) was frustrating my Yeye into yelling because we loved to laugh at all the funny faces she made and we loved to hear the funny things that would come out of her mouth once we had successfully pushed her over the edge. So remember pay back is a Bitch!