Monthly archives "January 2016"

The art of conversation and an invitation in asking

Red Lips of Young Woman with Bottle of Water --- Image by © Crisco/Corbis

A closed mouth don’t get fed-New World African Proverb

When, I yelled, ” I want Penis Privileges, just like your sons, they don’t have to do shit to get anything from you!” My Baba looked at me as if I had 3 heads. “That’s right I don’t want to work for your support or love because they don’t have to!” My father just sat there and stared at me with his head stilted to the side in awe.

I have no idea what took me so long to have a conversation with my brother on how he gets things and the supports he needs from my father. I silently accepted that boys had more freedom than girls from a young age. While my brothers were not spoiled with certain things, I would have traded freedom for a hair salon trip in a heart beat.

Little by little,  my Baba had started to reveal all the things he had been doing for my brothers over the years and I was in complete shock because I would have never even thought to ask for those things, I would only ask for small things, hell let’s put shit where it goes, my ass only asked for crumbs and most times I had to beg for what I wanted and I for sure had to work off any thing my father did or gave me.

I almost became enraged when my brother said, he just hit his pocket when he needed financial help from my father. I asked him if he had to ask my father’s then live in girlfriend for permission to do anything in the house and his response was, ” Why the hell would I have to ask her for permission to do something in the house I grew up in?” That went over my head, so I asked, “Does Baba, say you have to go ask, L for permission to do XY and Z. His response was, ” Hell Naw, is that what he makes you do?” I responded, ” Absolutely, every time!” My brother laughed and said, ‘that’s some bullshit!”

I wanted to behold their sacred dance of asking and receiving and as if  I were a a fly on the wall I watched the child of Oshun hit the side pocket of his cargo pants 3 times and then stuck his hand out without saying a word. My eyes got huge as I witnessed my Baba reach in his pocket and say with ease and no hesitation, ” How much do you need?” My mouth fell open and I almost fainted because he gave the amount and my father gave him more than what he asked for and after he handed my brother the money he said, ” Get your sister something to.”

My brother grinned like an 8 year old kid when he handed me some money, he let out a big Ha and said, “it’s just that easy every time.” I was in complete awe of my brother and bewildered at the same time because it had not ever been that easy to get anything from my Baba. The only thing that soothed me that night was the long wonderful kiss I got from Reggie…. my brother sat there staring at both of us, while a group of guys behind us chanted, “Dam Reg!”

I was going about getting what I wanted all wrong. Now don’t get me wrong I could always go to my father for advise, he knew most of my personal secrets but when it came to me getting something tangible or my father’s time and attention I had to work for it, I had to earn it and I was held accountable for everything I did. I felt like my father had raised me like a boy and my brothers like girls….. fyi, my brothers are not feminine or girly men, they just were not taught that they had to work for love and they were allowed their personal freedoms.

I figured if I couldn’t beat them I was going to join them and thus started my declaration to my Baba…..” I want Penis Privileges!” I can laugh now at the expression on my Baba’s face because for a minute he may have thought I was transgendering, but what I was really doing-was giving notice that the rules of engagement were changing and no longer was I willing to work  for my father’s love, support or time.

It wasn’t all my Baba’s fault I should have been able to set clear boundaries of acceptable behavior from my own father once I became an adult. More importantly,  I wrongly assumed my brothers had to work to earn love, respect and time with my father. They did not and it wasn’t until I asked them both how they got what they wanted from our father that our relationship began to change.  Has it been easy for my Baba to change to treat me better and differently no, however he has shown me over and over again he is committed to having a happy reciprocal relationship with his only daughter and I am truly grateful.

Adupe Baba

How to have stick to itness?

Ride a bike...

 

 

 

I made a declaration that I wasn’t leaving the house this past Sunday because I needed some Me time. With this in mind, around 4 something am in the morning, a loud crash and sound woke the block up. As I stood in the door looking in the dark, watching the neighbors talking amongst themselves squinting their eyes trying to find and see the culprit and locate the damage of the loud noise.Rather than rack my brain and wake myself up fully, I decided to return to bed until the sun came up to be able to see where the damage was even though I had a feeling that somehow I would be effected by the loud sound.

Keeping my promise to myself, I lay in bed, beyond my normal hour only to get a call from my family member telling me that my car had been hit and the neighbors car had been hit also. With my loved one on the phone I went outside to see the damage. My tire was flat, the rim was almost off the tire and there was a dent in the side of the car. My neighbors truck had several dents and he also had a flat tire. I took a deep moan and said, Oh no!….. and felt a second of sorrow until I looked to the right and saw a car with the tire and rim blown off with the back of the car sitting on the front engine of the car in back of it with the hood crumpled and then next in line was a BMW with the front end wrecked.

And once I took the scene to my right in, I died laughing and almost peed on myself because all the neighbors were out trying to recreate how the scene happened. And as a watched the Hood CSI crew go through possible scenarios of how the damage was caused….I laughed my ass right in the house and get back in the bed because I had said I wasn’t leaving the house that day and I wasn’t because my car had been hit by some random drunk driver. I let all my initial negative emotions go and stayed committed to having a relaxing day.

As the morning progressed, L.A.P.D. showed up and as I looked out of the shutters I saw my neighbor talking to the police confessing to the damage that had been done earlier that morning. Long story short, my little Native American looking neighbor had taken out a row of cars on the block after he had made it to the block, despite being drunk. Now had he simply found a space in front of his house and or parked in the drive way, the mayhem could have possibly been avoided.

Yet, somehow he must have secretly heard my wish to stay in doors because he passed his house and made a U-turn and lost control of his car and ran into, my opposite neighbors car, my car and his own second car. After he had hit our cars, he got out of the BMW he was driving and tried to move his other car but instead of putting the car in drive, he put it in reverse and rolled his back-end on top of the car parked behind his.

My neighbors and I laughed all day as the tow trucks arrived and the day unfolded, everything worked itself out and despite the chaos I had a great relaxing Sunday.