Monthly archives "May 2016"

Dirty Mackin & Dry Snitchn

 

I tell my son,  as if it were a song- that there is a fine line between  being a gentleman, a brute and a coward.  As I think about this statement- it is the only way I can describe the lines that can be blurred if a man does not define his own manhood. For the mother’s who have had to cut the apron strings way before we desired- seeing as our sons asked for permission to go live with their fathers.-most if not all of us- reluctantly said, ” Yes” fearing that their fathers lacked the ability to parent our boys due to their own personal limitations. Because many of them had not be raised by their own fathers and some with physically present but absent fathers it makes it difficult to release them.

As our sons bid us  good-bye we sit vigilantly as witnesses of the process to maturation into manhood with their fathers who were  and who have all too often been ” intimate terrorists” to us -as women. So we wonder if they will make it out as a whole man ; when we ourselves ; despite the lack of trying- had not encountered a whole man. But who are we to hold our sons back, who are we to deny them the opportunity to get to know their fathers on an intimate level when they crave the bond with their fathers like we need air to breathe.

“That nigga ain’t shit!” is a sneaky declaration that over time erodes self-confidence. At the same time, if you want to see people act crazy in the hood-then watch 2 people fall in love and folks start to lose their minds! I  have to ask myself how many of my romantic relationships have missed being poisoned by onlookers. For that reason,  we need not be surprised of the people doing the poisoning…… brothers, so-called best friends, fathers’, cousins, the homies. When the creeping message is whispered, chanted and begins to turn into a yell when you refuse to relinquish your love the-” He ain’t shit!” gets louder and more violent.

The act of betrayal is thrown about as if you should have had e,s.p. Negros that you have been around for 20 years, mad at the nigga that got you in a day. The ” Who he thank he is…….. That nigga ain’t shit!” is code word for saying who is deserving of what.  Looking back the only thing I can think of that any of the chosen ones did wrong was being able to say” Yes” to themselves, that I deserve to have what I want. They opened up their mouths and asked for what they wanted while the unchosen sat around for days, months and years-never opening their mouths to ask for what they wanted yet they stand on the side lines and begin to tear a brothas character down aka dirty mackin so you won’t like him any more because they are jealous and secretly believe “he got too much that he already don’t deserve” and so you begin to doubt your choice because you to  come from………..

” The dysfunction that when whatever you want to be is always a NO!”- bell hooks

So when I hear OG’s and triple OG’s saying that a young man ain’t shit I confront them and ask what have they done and what could they do to mentor the young man. I challenge them instead of dry snitchin on his business- I ask  “Why don’t you show him how to avoid some of the mistakes and pitfalls you’ve made in your life?” Whenever a man is able to say” that nigga ain’t shit!”- he is really saying to  himself-” I ain’t shit!”

And days like this when I feel like a motherless child in need of nurturing there are times when you have to look in unexpected places to find love, nurturing and the language to describe the feelings and experiences that you cannot find the words for and at these times, you find mothers who did not give birth to you and may have never given birth to their own children yet who never the less know how to make you feel loved, heard and understood as if you sat in her womb. To all the women who mother us when our own mothers aren’t capable or are no longer here!

 

 

 

The courage to go after what she wants to get her needs met even if it’s taboo?

It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission-Brian

 

Mother and daughter gardening --- Image by © Monalyn Gracia/Corbis

 

I admire my girlfriends’ courage to go after what she wants to get her needs met even if it’s taboo. After many years of actively listening and participating emotionally in people’s deepest desires and longing to be loved I’ve come to understand that the stigma and the label of  a ” Cheater” may be too superficial. I am not condemning cheating nor am I endorsing cheating . However, I am trying to understand the behavior and the emotions that lead to people seeking to have their needs by someone other than their partners.

I had a cheating husband and while I wasn’t happy about him sleeping with other women I did not feel devastated  nor  did I feel as if it were a betrayal ( with exception of one occasion because dam it there are just some lines you don’t cross but that’s another story. What irritated me were the lies and the mind games he played on me and the fact he used me to get outside pussy was feeble- the  ” I’m not happy at home routine!” used to reel these women in- made my ass itch!” I dared any woman to try and live in my shoes or do all the work I did. Hell, if they thought they could do a better than job I felt like  come on over go for it.

That being said, to just diminish him and or other cheaters I know down to scoundrels seems slightly unfair. So when someone I know very well began to stray from her husband with another man whom I could clearly see was no better or worse than her husband-I waited for the opportunity to dig deeper into her behavior and what she revealed was that she felt alone and felt that she had been abandoned by her husband continuously  and although she wanted to know how to be in a place where she could make her husband feel needed her early history of having to be independent and strong left little space in time to allow for waiting to have her needs met, especially the basic ones.

Not to mention, despite counseling and therapy before they married and during their marriage her husband had grounded himself in resistance. His passive aggressive behavior was often the tool he used to control and set off her triggers-further excusing him from having to meet her needs. As I reflect on this, I am reminded of the notion that so often men feel as if women should be above cheating because somehow we desire or need sex less than men and while I know most affairs are not primarily about sex the idea that we are held to a higher moral standard is just complete nonsense.

I secretly wished I had the courage to get my needs met when I was married even if it wasn’t from my husband. In all the judgments that are made about cheaters no one would ever deny a baby or a child getting their needs met, yet as adults the thinking goes that because one has reached adulthood having your needs met should be considered less important. That by all means, you’re an adult you should be able to go without and suffer through.

I used to believe I didn’t cheat on my husband because I cared about my role as a wife, despite his shenanigans  or that if I would  have cheated on him it would have been about not getting my financial needs met and that would seem like prostitution however in hindsight I would have been seeking refuse, safety, respite, protection and devotion which were my top unmet needs in my marriage and I had kept it superficial so I wouldn’t step out because to admit that your spouse did not have the capacity to meet those needs was something way to painful to admit.

And so you have to ask yourself as a woman:

  • How long is a woman supposed to wait for a man to fill her needs before it turns into neglect? Considering they say a man wants and needs to feel needed by a woman.
  • And if a man needs to feel appreciated and a woman goes out of her way to appreciate a man repeatedly but he seems to not appreciate her appreciation of him what is she to do?

Getting what you want when you want it

” Are you ready?” Klaus asked finally

” No” Sunny answered

” Me neither”, Violet said

” But if we wait until were ready we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let’s go!”- Lemony Snicker, The Ersatz Elevator

 

Rome visit, June 2008 - 57

 

” You expect me to give you what you want when you want it!  You expect me to do things when you ask me to! ” I used to ignore my initial reaction in my body when the men in my life made these statements; in resistance to giving me what I wanted when I asked for something. Although my body was telling me one thing, it seemed my mind and body were at odds. Could it have been all the social programming that “good girls” wait!  I was done waiting, especially when the things I was asking for were reasonable and in reach.

That being said,  I walked away from a would be relationship after let’s call him Jeff decided to confess his desire and love for me. He decided to make his move out of fear that I would be taken and he would lose the chance and the courage to come after me seeing as he had been secretly pining over me for years. Strangely enough he wasn’t the only man whom I had friendships with who began to talk of wanting a romantic relationship that led to marriage with me.

Jeff is a good guy so I decided to hear the brotha out and we began spending time together and not too long after we started dating he started hymnin and hawing about needing to get some things straight before we continued the courting process. Seeing as I felt Jeff was a good guy it took me by surprise when he started back peddling. I gave it a slight moment, more like second and then without hesitation I ended our brief courtship.

Two years had passed and needless to say, we recently had a conversation and he said, “he was both hurt and angry when I told him to fuck off.”  He went on to say that he was genuine in his feelings for me and his intentions were true. ” I was going to give you what you wanted I just could not give it to you when you wanted it, you wanted it right then! You expected me to give you what you wanted when you wanted it!”

I responded, ” When should I expect to get what I want? I told him, ” If, you asked me for something I would give it to you right now.” He looked at me as if him getting what he wanted immediately seemed reasonable but somehow he was confused in my desire to receive in the present moment. He went on to say that if I had waited until he got things in order then I could have gotten what I wanted. My response to him was, ” You should have came with your things already in order or you should have been willing to have a courtship and get your affairs together simultaneously- I wasn’t waiting on you!”

Jeff reminded me in our conversation that although I said, I was open to the relationship I came fully armed and armored and that it was difficult for him to get me to open up. As he spoke I looked him in his eyes and I listened as he told me some not so great things about myself and how I had deeply hurt him with my assumptions about him being full of shit. He also told me wonderful things about myself, how my natural nature was sweetness and how I had allowed my past environments, family and friends betrayals to keep me in a state of self-defense ready for war. The four year war for my liberation through a messy and ugly divorce had taken it’s toll, yet I had refused to drop my weapons-my weapons had become friends or so I thought.

Jeff seemed perplexed that I was not able to take him seriously and was offended that I thought so little of his true desire and love for me. He went on to say, ” Anyone woman he loves should know that he loves her without having to say it!” I’m like-how the hell I’m I supposed to know that without you saying it?  I’m like- you would have to tell me or communicate it in such a way that I know I’m loved. Who is going to assume someone loves them? Anyway, despite our initial misunderstandings I sat and actively listened to him and learned that men have deep feelings even if they do not express them. I had to apologize for hurting his feelings, however I wasn’t apologizing for refusing to wait. It seemed because I had refused to wait he wanted me even more.

Ladies, Demand What You Want