Monthly archives "July 2016"

Sweet surrender

Woman with spider on her face

 

unruly

en’ roole

adjective

disorderly and disruptive and not amenable to discipline or control-Oxford University Press

I am a two time beauty school drop out. Each time I attempted to finish both

programs, life got in the way. Despite, never finishing, I learned a lot about hair

care from my grandmother and my hair stylist Marni. The shampoos,

conditioners, and styling products Marni used on my hair were all labeled

“Unruly”. I delighted in knowing my hair had been categorized in such a way.

Probably because I had been labeled uncontrollable so much of my life. When I

think of the words such as controllable, unruly, wild, untamed, I can’t help but

picture Elizabeth Taylor being thrown across the shoulder’s of a  barnacle burly

man in Taming of the Shrew, after one of her bursts of fierce resistance.

Watching Elizabeth Taylor run wild was a sign that I did not have to behave, or

be prim and proper to get a man!

Resisting my hair was futile, often times it has been like a chia pet gone wild!

Once I accepted all aspects of myself -being unruly I felt like a kid that takes over a classroom-Powerful and Pretty!

And as you grow older and wiser there is nothing more sexy than a man who stands in his masculinity and tames you without violence

or aggression. There is nothing better than when a man invokes you into sweet surrender!

What do you think about Pretty? Leave a comment below.

 

Excuse the look but this is my Sunday ritual

I rarely recalled my father talking bad about my mother even after they divorced. He would merely say, ” You do not know your mother the way that I know her!  The worst thing he ever said was he hated that she went to sleep in ugly night clothes with face cream on. He felt it was a complete turn off and he made me vow never to go to bed in sweats and or in ugly night clothes. Let’s just say, I didn’t keep that promise, however I did start buying and wearing lingerie in my late teens and because of my paternal grandmother I love pajamas and house clothes.

With this in mind there seems to be a growing resentment among men, especailly the Beta Males against women and while I have no problem with men expressing their wants, needs, and desires and their lack of receiving it-I do find it extremely unappealing the way many are bitching, moaning and griping  and while  as a woman I can go from sugar to shit in a blink of an eye I do not want my man to behave like a female. Please just tell me what you want, what I am doing wrong and I will make an honest effort to fix it but dam it, there doesn’t need to be a movement.

Those of us who care are listening, so please stop with the nonsense and so after some long informal research it appears that  one of the biggest complaints men have of women is that we are ungrateful. Men talk of taking women on dates and after paying for dates they don’t even receive a simple gracious sincere, “Thank You!” It boils down to not feeling appreciated and once a man doesn’t feel appreciated he does not feel inclined to do more for a woman.

I’m certain my Ex-Husband could and would put me in this category of women because often times I would be ungrateful towards the things he would give me and do for me. At the time, I felt no since of gratitude because he was consistent in giving me things I didn’t ask for. I would ask for specific things and even go so far as to tell him where to find them. If I asked for intangible  things I would describe in-depth why I needed and wanted it but some how or another he wound never get me or give what I asked for.

I will say that he had intentions of trying to make me happy. He interviewed elders in his family and in the community and time and time again he was given the sage advice, “Just give her what she wants!” These were men and women well in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s who had been married for 30 to 50 years so you would think they knew a thing or two of how to stay married and keep a woman happy.

To my dismay, he was adamant about the elders being wrong -mind you his own grandfather had given him the same advise and he looked me dead in the face and told me, ” NOPE that aint the answer, they had it wrong and continued to not give me what I wanted and needed. I used to scratch my head because I was like here is a man bright enough, willing enough to go talk to and search for answers to make me happy and receive the answer over and over yet not be willing to use the answers to solve his problems or make his life better.

Who knows had I been able to be grateful and thankful for the things my Ex-Husband would give and do for me although they were not wanted what I desired- he may have eventually given me what I wanted. Had I perfected at least 5 ways to say thank you while cleaning the house in a string bikini who knows what I could have receieved. I got this idea from my cousin after she recalled the events of her day. She was greeted at the door by her client wearing a carnery yellow bikini with dish washing gloves on her hands. She told my relative, ” come right in, excuse the look but this is my Sunday ritual I clean the bathroom in my bikini, it keeps my husband’s attention and motivates me to stay in shape!”  As she  wisked my cousin to the study room where she tutored the vixen’s daughter, the savy women’s husband kissed her on the cheek as he gleefully left the house. She coilfully looked at my cousin and said, ” He’s going to get me something I asked for!”, with a big smile on her face.

31 different languages to say Thank You 

 

You may want something but not be ready for it

You might as well stay with the man  you are with and learn the lessons you need to learn because if you don’t you will end up with the same man in a different pair of pants -Hae Kung Lee

 

Learning how to get what you want comes down to the silent agreements we make with people-the silent contracts. One of the biggest mistakes most people make is throwing a relationship away thinking that they are going to get better and that they deserve better. You may-in fact deserve better however, if you cannot handle the relationship you are in currently-chances are you will be no more successful in the next. Not to mention, you may want something but not be ready for it.

For example, my ex husband had this line he frequently said that started as a mumble and as his emotions grew would turn into an outburst. ” You always tyrna run shit, you ain’t runnin shit!” What usually followed with this mumbling statement  was destructive patterns of  behaviors that would sabotage and destroy the goal, plan and work that would benefit us all. I would have to reset or go through several goals and plans only to work in vain because no matter how much I explained that there was a Mutual Benefit in cooperating,  for some reason his brain perceived it as a threat. In his mind, I was the enemy, I wasn’t to be trusted.

It didn’t really register to me- until after we divorced that the ways in which we grew up had impacted our relationship. I grew up in a 2 parent household where my father was the head of the house. I later realized that my mother was the head strategist. My father was a natural hustler and he had a niche for creating opportunities to make money even during difficult times. I watched my mother’s brilliance as she created plans to help my father win. He did what my mother suggested and as a result he won big.

No shade or blame, my ex husband grow up in a single household where his mother was the ruler and since there was not a constant presence of a man his mother made him the man of the house, he became her stand in husband. Imagine being a 9 year old and having to take up the responsibilities of a grown man, add the crack epidemic and a young 9 year old not only becomes the husband his mother never had, he becomes the active nurturer, provider and caregiver to younger siblings without participating fathers. I had not seriously thought about the family dynamics either of us had encountered growing up. I naïvely believed love would conquer all!

It took me a long time to learn that I had silently agreed to be my ex husband defender, provider and protector because of his background. I had sacrificed myself so many times so that he could win. I was often frustrated and would plead desperately for him to honor his word and follow the plan so that I could finally win.

I never looked at it from a logical perspective:

  • Why would he want things to change he was winnning
  • Things changing meant that he would have to learn and do new things
  • Things changing would mean that he would no longer be the center of attention
  • I was asking him to step into the unknown
  • Change insights fear

Please believe I wasn’t this insightful when I wanted make the shift, so I went about shit- ass hole backwards and I had to throw the baby out with the bath water because he refused to mutually agree to make the shift. He thought I had gone insane, reflecting back, why wouldn’t he…. he was the focus and his needs were getting met for almost 20 years- I hadn’t required or asked for much. I didn’t even sweat him into marrying me the way most women did men.

By the time, I looked up my youth had passed me by and the only thing I had cared about most of my life was making him happy. For a long time, I received joy from making him happy. Yet, he didn’t seem interested in me winning, hell truth be told I didn’t see myself winning so how could he. By the time I wanted to win, things had been cemented and the last resort was a Kill Bill situation minus the gore and violence but that’s another story. Who knew telling a man- you were no longer interested in doing things in  the same way would lead to such vengeance.

So when you decide that things aren’t working in your relationships whether its a romantic relationship, a business relationship or a family relationship please do not be naïve if and when you decide that you want to shift the relationship so that you benefit more. I beg of thee- to Not be surprised if there is  push back and or a war ensues. Please think long and hard  about all the silent agreements-all the silent contracts you made and how long they were in effect before you make a move. This can and will save you a lot of money, heartbreak and pain when you take full responsibility and inventory as to how you played the biggest part in not getting what you wanted.

 

 

20 visits to good enough

 

A few weeks ago my father and I got into a less intense argument than we usually do. He was complaining and talking badly about my youngest brother. He and my youngest brother had been estranged for a year and my brother had recently come to see my Baba and around about on their 2nd interaction- my father brought up the very thing that had kept him away.

I tried to listen, however, as he continued I could started to feel things in my body, the more he talked the more agitated I was becoming. I tried to tell him I already knew the story-I did my best to deflect the topic of my brother but my father can be like a bull in a china store. And so I asked my Baba or rather told my father that if he knew who my brother was and respected him he would know not to even have certain expectations of him. I reminded my father that my brother did not like Conflict, never has never will!

I told my father that since we were little children he could not take yelling, that Yee could yell and scream at her middle Oshun child and I her eldest all day and it didn’t bother us because we thought it was funny, so my Yeye stopped yelling at him because he could not take it, it vexed his spirit. I asked my father to recall my brothers’ absence at a family meeting we all were supposed to have  had a month earlier because my father has cancer. Needless to say, my youngest brother did not show up. I said, ” I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t show up. I knew he wasn’t going to show up because he doesn’t like conflict and there was a high percentage that things could escalate in deep emotions causing an uproar.”

My Baba responded, ” Do you like conflict?” I replied, ” I don’t have a problem with Conflict, especially if it leads to resolution!” At that point, I had told my father at least 3 times talking about my brother was making me feel bad. I told him I had come over to spend time with him because I had not seen much of him since I had returned from New York a few months ago when he went into surgery to have the cancer removed without even calling to tell me. He said, ” You were on vacation, why would I disturb your vacation?” ” I didn’t want you to know.” I was like…… Really nigga?- in my mind. My feelings were hurt but he had been selfish my entire life so him having cancer wasn’t changing that.

After telling the few women who had attempted to love him throughout the years not to come see him after the surgery before we started arguing about my brother he gave some soliloquy about these two women not being there for him, claiming that if they loved him they would have been there regardless. I said, ” Let me be clear, you told them don’t come and now your disappointed they didn’t come yet you expected them to come?” He started making up excuses for them as to all the things that could have kept them away and I interrupted him and said, ” You push people away and then you want them to be close only to push them away again. Who has time to be on those roller coasters and on those merry go rounds?”-

And so the conversation segwayed into him bashing my brother and as usual I had enough. I said, ” I ve told you at least 2 to 3 times that this conversation was not pleasurable and yet you continue. I came to visit you and spend time with you. I brought  you a delicious piece of pie and instead of you enjoying my company you want to sit and talk about my brother who happens to be a man any father would be proud of.” I went on to say, ” Even if the things you say about my brother are true why couldn’t you wait until you had 20 visits with him before you brought up the very thing that caused the 2 of you to be estranged. ” Why can’t you just enjoy the company of your children. Why dam near every time we see you must you tell us everything that is wrong with us. Why must we hear you didn’t cross your T’s and dot all of your I’s. Why must you tell me and my brother in some kind of fashion that “we ain’t shit…..we not good enough?????

He responded, ” I love your brother!” I replied, ” You do not love my brother in the way he needs to be loved!” I went on to say when I called the meeting the other month I wanted to see who would be ” Willing and Open” to have the conversation-I didn’t have any expectations beyond that. What I wanted was to be heard and supported and so I appreciated the fact that my other brother planned the meeting and the 2 of you showed up. I accepted that my youngest brother wasn’t coming because I know and accept who he is and in no way did it mean that he didn’t care. I told my Baba I didn’t call to talk badly to him for not showing up because I know he can’t handle conflict.

At some point in the conversation, I had made a negative comment about my mother’s behavior and he looked at me with disapproving eyes and I refused to back down because her negative behavior had done damage to me and it wasn’t blasphemy  for me to express my hurt about her behavior. And he responded, ” I love with conditions! My love comes with conditions!” In my head I was like no shit Sherlock and then out loud I said, ” It’s about time you said that!” He responded, ” My mama loved me with Conditions! And I said, ” That’s why you don’t know how to love nobody because you were loved with conditions! Parents love should be unconditional! Thanks for finally saying what I needed to hear!”

The conversation went a little less south than it can go because my Baba out of habit likes to throw gasoline on a fire, me being the fire and then gets surprised when he gets hurt. I didn’t turn into a raging inferno. Instead the room got hot like a hot summer day and eventually I walked out the house saying some more things under my breath. That conversation was transforming and created a shift because my father had never really allowed him self to be that open and say out loud that he had not been loved by his mother in the way that he needed to be loved and therefore he struggled to love people. I told my father that he was good at giving us tangible things to show his love however he couldn’t give the intangibles to show his love and the intangibles are the most important in loving relationships. It had never occurred to him that we just wanted him to enjoy us, to celebrate us on the small the and the big things that no matter how old we got we were his children and we each needed to be loved in our own way.

I needed to know that I was enough……….

Losing my hairy balls

 

I remember my ex-husband looking at me with deep dispair, hurt and curosity in his eyes when he asked what happened to the sweet 16 year old girl he knew. I recollect saying something along the lines that bitch is dead!  I knew he understood that he played a major part in the new me. We got married at age 28, we had done everything ass hole backwards since we had met at 14 and 15.

I was all business and no matter how much I deeply loved him, having been abondoned by him so many times in the past left with our daughter/daughters to raise while he found his way into manhood, I unfortunately did not have the luxury to make a myrid of mistakes in hopes of finding myself nor was I ever going to permitted to take the road less traveled because it was simply forbidden and taking a crack break to receive help just didnt seem worth it.

I wanted to be sweet but I was scared, I had reluctantly drank the kool-aid that as a black woman I did not need nor did I deserve a break and so I wore the worn and tactored cloak of the black strong woman who would endure and find my glory in the after life but death comes too slow when you’re exhausted and at the tipping point.

If feminity is based on being vulnerable and receptive than many of us have a long way to go! For the past several years I have made a mindful decision to cut my hairy balls off, that turn into wrecking balls. And as mindful, as I am in being actively deeply engaged in this process there are still so many circumstances that they are needed and come in handy because I need to protect and defend myself and until there is a Rent a Nigga Agency where I can go and rent me a Niggod 6 foot 5 weighing 325 pounds to stand in as my husband to take down to the office where some black dude thought that he could TRY and take advantage of me cuz y’all know certain types of black chicks should be so desparate as if we are little red riding hood!

So as I learn how to become a horse whisperer there will be certain times my hairy ass balls will descend because as my sweet love says, ” You got to keep the wolves off you!”