Where is Psalm?

 

 

 

For months I had noticed Psalm’s absence. I noticed that I had not heard from her and I thought it was strange. I had gone into an unexpected cocoon. I found out yesterday that she had died at the beginning of Spring only a month after we had spent a blissful afternoon during one of her intimate workshop’s. She was powerful and beautiful!

Yesterday, as I watched the ” Creepshow” aka the news explaining that Vincent was found murdered in his own home my brain finally connected and I realized Vincent was connected to my life-all I could think about was how we were supposed to have lunch together but never did. And who would want to kill Vincent? Thinking about Vincent… the voice that I had ignored for months became louder! ” Where is Psalm?” I was shocked to learn that she had committed suicide.

I wondered how I missed this, not just not knowing the passing of her death because I wouldn’t  know because I became too present in my my own life to be engaged in anyone elses’. Not to mention, the day before her death and on her death my father and I had unearthed what I had buried deep inside myself… after what felt like…pulling a ski-mask off a robber. I pretended that I only saw the face that he presented to the world.

And once his identity had been revealed I went into hidng because for once in my life I was going to rest and allow myself to be taken care of.  As a result, I spent over 64 days in seclusion and although I had been raised in the same house as my father the explosion that ensued after I had unmasked him unnerved him to the point of ultimate control and dominance! Except this time I felt compelled to hold his feet to the fire!

It had been too long that he had been enabled to be indulged and neglected at the same time which resulted in him not being able to feel anything for anybody else other than himself and like a bad ass kid I had found it time that he had to stand in front of the ultimate man and  answer for all his bullying. The idea that escaping marriage but draining women meant he could just simply walk away without having to answer to anyone….except I was born a female….a woman who carried his last name….a woman with power.

 

” Do you understand that I carry your last name? Do you understand that I have legal rights to you? Did you think that you escaped having to answer or be benevolent to anyone other than yourself?”

And as I said, these things, he looked as if he saw a ghost. In that moment, we had swapped positions and I spoke to him as he had always spoken to me- as if I were his property- as if he owned me- making me never wanting to be owned. And as the shift in power happened, I could see the fear in his eyes.  I knew he was devastated and helpless because his actions were all defensive because he ultimately felt powerless and feared the power of women.

I had never wanted to treat my father as a man….I always wanted to treat him as a God even though he feared the Goddess is me! My father is my greatest teacher! And being my greatest teacher meant he had to learn that I could not or would not be possessed or own by No Man because it was always my birth right to be free.

The fear that we have to hold someone captive to love is completely insane. Give me room to come and go as I please and I promise you that I will forever return to you without being gone too long that your heart begins to ache.

So, how could I have seen Psalm’s death coming or the moment it came. I was expecting to see her  again to build with her. I have no idea why so many wild, free spirited women lose the desire to live or go on- as if- they finally succumb from what feels like slave catchers always on your heels to bring you back to slavery and being unwilling to return… they rejoin the spirit world.

In loving memory to Jill, Tee, Evangeline and Psalm.

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