Category "Happy and Free"

Where is Psalm?

 

 

 

For months I had noticed Psalm’s absence. I noticed that I had not heard from her and I thought it was strange. I had gone into an unexpected cocoon. I found out yesterday that she had died at the beginning of Spring only a month after we had spent a blissful afternoon during one of her intimate workshop’s. She was powerful and beautiful!

Yesterday, as I watched the ” Creepshow” aka the news explaining that Vincent was found murdered in his own home my brain finally connected and I realized Vincent was connected to my life-all I could think about was how we were supposed to have lunch together but never did. And who would want to kill Vincent? Thinking about Vincent… the voice that I had ignored for months became louder! ” Where is Psalm?” I was shocked to learn that she had committed suicide.

I wondered how I missed this, not just not knowing the passing of her death because I wouldn’t  know because I became too present in my my own life to be engaged in anyone elses’. Not to mention, the day before her death and on her death my father and I had unearthed what I had buried deep inside myself… after what felt like…pulling a ski-mask off a robber. I pretended that I only saw the face that he presented to the world.

And once his identity had been revealed I went into hidng because for once in my life I was going to rest and allow myself to be taken care of.  As a result, I spent over 64 days in seclusion and although I had been raised in the same house as my father the explosion that ensued after I had unmasked him unnerved him to the point of ultimate control and dominance! Except this time I felt compelled to hold his feet to the fire!

It had been too long that he had been enabled to be indulged and neglected at the same time which resulted in him not being able to feel anything for anybody else other than himself and like a bad ass kid I had found it time that he had to stand in front of the ultimate man and  answer for all his bullying. The idea that escaping marriage but draining women meant he could just simply walk away without having to answer to anyone….except I was born a female….a woman who carried his last name….a woman with power.

 

” Do you understand that I carry your last name? Do you understand that I have legal rights to you? Did you think that you escaped having to answer or be benevolent to anyone other than yourself?”

And as I said, these things, he looked as if he saw a ghost. In that moment, we had swapped positions and I spoke to him as he had always spoken to me- as if I were his property- as if he owned me- making me never wanting to be owned. And as the shift in power happened, I could see the fear in his eyes.  I knew he was devastated and helpless because his actions were all defensive because he ultimately felt powerless and feared the power of women.

I had never wanted to treat my father as a man….I always wanted to treat him as a God even though he feared the Goddess is me! My father is my greatest teacher! And being my greatest teacher meant he had to learn that I could not or would not be possessed or own by No Man because it was always my birth right to be free.

The fear that we have to hold someone captive to love is completely insane. Give me room to come and go as I please and I promise you that I will forever return to you without being gone too long that your heart begins to ache.

So, how could I have seen Psalm’s death coming or the moment it came. I was expecting to see her  again to build with her. I have no idea why so many wild, free spirited women lose the desire to live or go on- as if- they finally succumb from what feels like slave catchers always on your heels to bring you back to slavery and being unwilling to return… they rejoin the spirit world.

In loving memory to Jill, Tee, Evangeline and Psalm.

Be back soon

I have been on some pretty wild adventures since the end of March. Most of them unbelievable, however I must admit that is the rhythm of my life where wild things are constantly happening.

There are seldom and rarely dull moments in my life. That being said, while things have come down to a slower pace I will be bringing you up to speed in the coming weeks.

And as I write this post I think of the word resilience and an old song comes to mind from someone I had not thought about in years and when I think of her I think of what it means to have grace under fire!

They tried to dog and humiliate My girl when she became Ms. America!

It’s time for a reset!

It is time to reset and leave the b.s. behind and get back to the business of the business of getting what we want and keeping our minds tight and right……

 

Make a declaration and get some business

 

 

I wasn’t able to write my usual post yesterday because I was so exhausted that I slept from the late afternoon throughout the entire night and I woke up early this morning, hoping that the person who had stolen all of my energy the day before would heed my requests.

As a woman of a certain age, I have grown in many ways and I generally like to stay on the side of diplomacy and since I’ve learned over time that I did not necessarily attach to my primary caregiver, it gave me strength in being perceptive.

Because I have never really been a child even during my chronological childhood ages I can easily see and understand things from other people’s perspective even if I do not agree with them.

Nevertheless, I allowed my perception of what and who I knew I was dealing with to continually give someone passes for their behavior because I felt they were young and I  knew they were immature.

So after drawing a line and the person crossing it and successfully pushing my buttons, making my pressure rise. I had to disengage because I did not want my behavior to escalate and I did not want to begin to behavior the way- they had grown accustomed to their mother acting. Subsequently, I had to regain my composure because after all I had drawn a line in the sand!

And once I draw a line in the sand and you cross it, it’s consequence time. Now early in life after giving a male the benefit of the doubt and a number of passes of human behavior I would have to put my foot down and make a declaration.

See once you set the stage to being loving kind and supportive towards a male (or a human being) he gets accustomed to it even if he cannot appreciate it at first. And once they start popping their collars on your ass too much you drop the declaration statement on their ass with new standards and requirements and you tell them do not return until you have accomplished everything.

Now hear me clearly they may try to come back before meeting all the requirements and you must say, “good job but you have not met all the requirements so do not return until you do”. And do not talk to their ass again until they have met the standard. Until then get you some business, get you a new starter and or a starting line up and put them in heavy rotation, enjoy your life and have fun.

Now it may take some time for them to meet the requirements however I have not met a man who has not come back with the required results. Although, if times have changed I may not be available- however there is nothing to fret because all of the requirements met will result in character development.