Tag "i-beg-of-thee"

You may want something but not be ready for it

You might as well stay with the man  you are with and learn the lessons you need to learn because if you don’t you will end up with the same man in a different pair of pants -Hae Kung Lee

 

Learning how to get what you want comes down to the silent agreements we make with people-the silent contracts. One of the biggest mistakes most people make is throwing a relationship away thinking that they are going to get better and that they deserve better. You may-in fact deserve better however, if you cannot handle the relationship you are in currently-chances are you will be no more successful in the next. Not to mention, you may want something but not be ready for it.

For example, my ex husband had this line he frequently said that started as a mumble and as his emotions grew would turn into an outburst. ” You always tyrna run shit, you ain’t runnin shit!” What usually followed with this mumbling statement  was destructive patterns of  behaviors that would sabotage and destroy the goal, plan and work that would benefit us all. I would have to reset or go through several goals and plans only to work in vain because no matter how much I explained that there was a Mutual Benefit in cooperating,  for some reason his brain perceived it as a threat. In his mind, I was the enemy, I wasn’t to be trusted.

It didn’t really register to me- until after we divorced that the ways in which we grew up had impacted our relationship. I grew up in a 2 parent household where my father was the head of the house. I later realized that my mother was the head strategist. My father was a natural hustler and he had a niche for creating opportunities to make money even during difficult times. I watched my mother’s brilliance as she created plans to help my father win. He did what my mother suggested and as a result he won big.

No shade or blame, my ex husband grow up in a single household where his mother was the ruler and since there was not a constant presence of a man his mother made him the man of the house, he became her stand in husband. Imagine being a 9 year old and having to take up the responsibilities of a grown man, add the crack epidemic and a young 9 year old not only becomes the husband his mother never had, he becomes the active nurturer, provider and caregiver to younger siblings without participating fathers. I had not seriously thought about the family dynamics either of us had encountered growing up. I naïvely believed love would conquer all!

It took me a long time to learn that I had silently agreed to be my ex husband defender, provider and protector because of his background. I had sacrificed myself so many times so that he could win. I was often frustrated and would plead desperately for him to honor his word and follow the plan so that I could finally win.

I never looked at it from a logical perspective:

  • Why would he want things to change he was winnning
  • Things changing meant that he would have to learn and do new things
  • Things changing would mean that he would no longer be the center of attention
  • I was asking him to step into the unknown
  • Change insights fear

Please believe I wasn’t this insightful when I wanted make the shift, so I went about shit- ass hole backwards and I had to throw the baby out with the bath water because he refused to mutually agree to make the shift. He thought I had gone insane, reflecting back, why wouldn’t he…. he was the focus and his needs were getting met for almost 20 years- I hadn’t required or asked for much. I didn’t even sweat him into marrying me the way most women did men.

By the time, I looked up my youth had passed me by and the only thing I had cared about most of my life was making him happy. For a long time, I received joy from making him happy. Yet, he didn’t seem interested in me winning, hell truth be told I didn’t see myself winning so how could he. By the time I wanted to win, things had been cemented and the last resort was a Kill Bill situation minus the gore and violence but that’s another story. Who knew telling a man- you were no longer interested in doing things in  the same way would lead to such vengeance.

So when you decide that things aren’t working in your relationships whether its a romantic relationship, a business relationship or a family relationship please do not be naïve if and when you decide that you want to shift the relationship so that you benefit more. I beg of thee- to Not be surprised if there is  push back and or a war ensues. Please think long and hard  about all the silent agreements-all the silent contracts you made and how long they were in effect before you make a move. This can and will save you a lot of money, heartbreak and pain when you take full responsibility and inventory as to how you played the biggest part in not getting what you wanted.