Tag "jealousy"

Dirty Mackin & Dry Snitchn


I tell my son,  as if it were a song- that there is a fine line between  being a gentleman, a brute and a coward.  As I think about this statement- it is the only way I can describe the lines that can be blurred if a man does not define his own manhood. For the mother’s who have had to cut the apron strings way before we desired- seeing as our sons asked for permission to go live with their fathers.-most if not all of us- reluctantly said, ” Yes” fearing that their fathers lacked the ability to parent our boys due to their own personal limitations. Because many of them had not be raised by their own fathers and some with physically present but absent fathers it makes it difficult to release them.

As our sons bid us  good-bye we sit vigilantly as witnesses of the process to maturation into manhood with their fathers who were  and who have all too often been ” intimate terrorists” to us -as women. So we wonder if they will make it out as a whole man ; when we ourselves ; despite the lack of trying- had not encountered a whole man. But who are we to hold our sons back, who are we to deny them the opportunity to get to know their fathers on an intimate level when they crave the bond with their fathers like we need air to breathe.

“That nigga ain’t shit!” is a sneaky declaration that over time erodes self-confidence. At the same time, if you want to see people act crazy in the hood-then watch 2 people fall in love and folks start to lose their minds! I  have to ask myself how many of my romantic relationships have missed being poisoned by onlookers. For that reason,  we need not be surprised of the people doing the poisoning…… brothers, so-called best friends, fathers’, cousins, the homies. When the creeping message is whispered, chanted and begins to turn into a yell when you refuse to relinquish your love the-” He ain’t shit!” gets louder and more violent.

The act of betrayal is thrown about as if you should have had e,s.p. Negros that you have been around for 20 years, mad at the nigga that got you in a day. The ” Who he thank he is…….. That nigga ain’t shit!” is code word for saying who is deserving of what.  Looking back the only thing I can think of that any of the chosen ones did wrong was being able to say” Yes” to themselves, that I deserve to have what I want. They opened up their mouths and asked for what they wanted while the unchosen sat around for days, months and years-never opening their mouths to ask for what they wanted yet they stand on the side lines and begin to tear a brothas character down aka dirty mackin so you won’t like him any more because they are jealous and secretly believe “he got too much that he already don’t deserve” and so you begin to doubt your choice because you to  come from………..

” The dysfunction that when whatever you want to be is always a NO!”- bell hooks

So when I hear OG’s and triple OG’s saying that a young man ain’t shit I confront them and ask what have they done and what could they do to mentor the young man. I challenge them instead of dry snitchin on his business- I ask  “Why don’t you show him how to avoid some of the mistakes and pitfalls you’ve made in your life?” Whenever a man is able to say” that nigga ain’t shit!”- he is really saying to  himself-” I ain’t shit!”

And days like this when I feel like a motherless child in need of nurturing there are times when you have to look in unexpected places to find love, nurturing and the language to describe the feelings and experiences that you cannot find the words for and at these times, you find mothers who did not give birth to you and may have never given birth to their own children yet who never the less know how to make you feel loved, heard and understood as if you sat in her womb. To all the women who mother us when our own mothers aren’t capable or are no longer here!




How to keep a secret?


Recently someone told me some things about a person I know. And after their disclosure of this person, let’s call him Raymond, I immediately became irritated with the person giving the information-let’s call her Annie. Now Annie may have been well meaning, but I did not need to know any of it because Raymond had not told me himself and I figured if he did not disclose this information than quite possibly he didn’t want me to know. Furthermore, I would have rather not known because finding out put me in a position I didn’t necessarily want to be in. More importantly, it changed the dynamic of our relationship without him even knowing. It gave me pause to question his character and placed me in a position to judge him, which was not fair. But as unfair as it was, I began to judge and the more Annie ran her mouth the more I wished she would be quiet.

I thought about what Annie had told me for a couple of days and decided that no matter what was unfairly disclosed I would not allow it to ruin my friendship with Raymond. Needless to say, not long after Annie’s disclosure Raymond began to reveal to me his circumstances little by little over time. I listened and over a period of weeks he finally told the last of his revelation. It brought to mind something my Baba always told me, ” Never tell someone anything you don’t want repeated!”

He would also tell me, “Don’t let someone tell me something you should have told me first!” Which brings to mind the time he was dating this girl I went to High School with- Godmother. Now for whatever reason the girl did not like me, which didn’t really bother me but what did piss me off was that she took her dislike of me so far as to tell my Baba, that I had lost my virginity. Talk about, low down and dirty……my father was fully aware the girl did not like me without me saying a word, which is why he was even more disappointed in me. Someone had told him something that I should have told him first. And from that day on I have always been the first to disclose any and everything to my father no matter how disappointed and or hurt he may be in my decision. What he didn’t deserve was to be embarrassed!