Tag "love"

Dirty Mackin & Dry Snitchn

 

I tell my son,  as if it were a song- that there is a fine line between  being a gentleman, a brute and a coward.  As I think about this statement- it is the only way I can describe the lines that can be blurred if a man does not define his own manhood. For the mother’s who have had to cut the apron strings way before we desired- seeing as our sons asked for permission to go live with their fathers.-most if not all of us- reluctantly said, ” Yes” fearing that their fathers lacked the ability to parent our boys due to their own personal limitations. Because many of them had not be raised by their own fathers and some with physically present but absent fathers it makes it difficult to release them.

As our sons bid us  good-bye we sit vigilantly as witnesses of the process to maturation into manhood with their fathers who were  and who have all too often been ” intimate terrorists” to us -as women. So we wonder if they will make it out as a whole man ; when we ourselves ; despite the lack of trying- had not encountered a whole man. But who are we to hold our sons back, who are we to deny them the opportunity to get to know their fathers on an intimate level when they crave the bond with their fathers like we need air to breathe.

“That nigga ain’t shit!” is a sneaky declaration that over time erodes self-confidence. At the same time, if you want to see people act crazy in the hood-then watch 2 people fall in love and folks start to lose their minds! I  have to ask myself how many of my romantic relationships have missed being poisoned by onlookers. For that reason,  we need not be surprised of the people doing the poisoning…… brothers, so-called best friends, fathers’, cousins, the homies. When the creeping message is whispered, chanted and begins to turn into a yell when you refuse to relinquish your love the-” He ain’t shit!” gets louder and more violent.

The act of betrayal is thrown about as if you should have had e,s.p. Negros that you have been around for 20 years, mad at the nigga that got you in a day. The ” Who he thank he is…….. That nigga ain’t shit!” is code word for saying who is deserving of what.  Looking back the only thing I can think of that any of the chosen ones did wrong was being able to say” Yes” to themselves, that I deserve to have what I want. They opened up their mouths and asked for what they wanted while the unchosen sat around for days, months and years-never opening their mouths to ask for what they wanted yet they stand on the side lines and begin to tear a brothas character down aka dirty mackin so you won’t like him any more because they are jealous and secretly believe “he got too much that he already don’t deserve” and so you begin to doubt your choice because you to  come from………..

” The dysfunction that when whatever you want to be is always a NO!”- bell hooks

So when I hear OG’s and triple OG’s saying that a young man ain’t shit I confront them and ask what have they done and what could they do to mentor the young man. I challenge them instead of dry snitchin on his business- I ask  “Why don’t you show him how to avoid some of the mistakes and pitfalls you’ve made in your life?” Whenever a man is able to say” that nigga ain’t shit!”- he is really saying to  himself-” I ain’t shit!”

And days like this when I feel like a motherless child in need of nurturing there are times when you have to look in unexpected places to find love, nurturing and the language to describe the feelings and experiences that you cannot find the words for and at these times, you find mothers who did not give birth to you and may have never given birth to their own children yet who never the less know how to make you feel loved, heard and understood as if you sat in her womb. To all the women who mother us when our own mothers aren’t capable or are no longer here!

 

 

 

Love me or leave me alone!

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I had a long conversation with a friend of mine the other day, one we’ve had for many times throughout the past 2 years, without telling all his business he told me how deeply unsatisfied he was in the romantic relationship he was in. The most prevailing issue in his relationship is that he cannot be himself, although his mate provides many things, her inability to accept and love him as he is, is ruining their relationship and he is dying of a slow death.

At the end of the day, it is about the deep long seasons, years, weeks, months, days, minutes, and seconds of deprivation. As we talked I wanted to weep, hell I had been weeping for weeks because I to had come to recognize that I have spent so many years in deprivation, starving myself of what I wanted and or needed. There is a deep sadness that comes from deprivation, from being starved and from starving oneself. When was the last time you have been touched by another person not just in a sexual way but in a way that soothes your spirit and eases your soul, where you feel alive, connected and loved? All to often the only time people are touched is during a sexual encounter- How many times have you needed a long deep hug or caress but settled for sex because it was the only way to be touched.

Instead of bad mouthing his partner, we collectively discussed all the ways that we have co-conspired to make ourselves feel smaller in order to make other people feel better about themselves. During our discussion, I praised him for all the milestones of his personal development and celebrated how far he has come in his journey of becoming a better person, the old him would have just cheated and left the relationship like a coward never taking any responsibility. Instead, he bought his finance` a book to open the dialogue of having his partner love and accept him for who he is. It tickled me because he is reading it first, so they can read it together. I hope she learns to” get him” because we have a right to be who we are and deserve to be loved as we are.  What you need- needs you, so wrap your arms around yourself and embrace yourself with a long hug.