Tag "unmet-needs"

The courage to go after what she wants to get her needs met even if it’s taboo?

It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission-Brian

 

Mother and daughter gardening --- Image by © Monalyn Gracia/Corbis

 

I admire my girlfriends’ courage to go after what she wants to get her needs met even if it’s taboo. After many years of actively listening and participating emotionally in people’s deepest desires and longing to be loved I’ve come to understand that the stigma and the label of  a ” Cheater” may be too superficial. I am not condemning cheating nor am I endorsing cheating . However, I am trying to understand the behavior and the emotions that lead to people seeking to have their needs by someone other than their partners.

I had a cheating husband and while I wasn’t happy about him sleeping with other women I did not feel devastated  nor  did I feel as if it were a betrayal ( with exception of one occasion because dam it there are just some lines you don’t cross but that’s another story. What irritated me were the lies and the mind games he played on me and the fact he used me to get outside pussy was feeble- the  ” I’m not happy at home routine!” used to reel these women in- made my ass itch!” I dared any woman to try and live in my shoes or do all the work I did. Hell, if they thought they could do a better than job I felt like  come on over go for it.

That being said, to just diminish him and or other cheaters I know down to scoundrels seems slightly unfair. So when someone I know very well began to stray from her husband with another man whom I could clearly see was no better or worse than her husband-I waited for the opportunity to dig deeper into her behavior and what she revealed was that she felt alone and felt that she had been abandoned by her husband continuously  and although she wanted to know how to be in a place where she could make her husband feel needed her early history of having to be independent and strong left little space in time to allow for waiting to have her needs met, especially the basic ones.

Not to mention, despite counseling and therapy before they married and during their marriage her husband had grounded himself in resistance. His passive aggressive behavior was often the tool he used to control and set off her triggers-further excusing him from having to meet her needs. As I reflect on this, I am reminded of the notion that so often men feel as if women should be above cheating because somehow we desire or need sex less than men and while I know most affairs are not primarily about sex the idea that we are held to a higher moral standard is just complete nonsense.

I secretly wished I had the courage to get my needs met when I was married even if it wasn’t from my husband. In all the judgments that are made about cheaters no one would ever deny a baby or a child getting their needs met, yet as adults the thinking goes that because one has reached adulthood having your needs met should be considered less important. That by all means, you’re an adult you should be able to go without and suffer through.

I used to believe I didn’t cheat on my husband because I cared about my role as a wife, despite his shenanigans  or that if I would  have cheated on him it would have been about not getting my financial needs met and that would seem like prostitution however in hindsight I would have been seeking refuse, safety, respite, protection and devotion which were my top unmet needs in my marriage and I had kept it superficial so I wouldn’t step out because to admit that your spouse did not have the capacity to meet those needs was something way to painful to admit.

And so you have to ask yourself as a woman:

  • How long is a woman supposed to wait for a man to fill her needs before it turns into neglect? Considering they say a man wants and needs to feel needed by a woman.
  • And if a man needs to feel appreciated and a woman goes out of her way to appreciate a man repeatedly but he seems to not appreciate her appreciation of him what is she to do?