Tag "wanting"

Getting what you want when you want it

” Are you ready?” Klaus asked finally

” No” Sunny answered

” Me neither”, Violet said

” But if we wait until were ready we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let’s go!”- Lemony Snicker, The Ersatz Elevator

 

Rome visit, June 2008 - 57

 

” You expect me to give you what you want when you want it!  You expect me to do things when you ask me to! ” I used to ignore my initial reaction in my body when the men in my life made these statements; in resistance to giving me what I wanted when I asked for something. Although my body was telling me one thing, it seemed my mind and body were at odds. Could it have been all the social programming that “good girls” wait!  I was done waiting, especially when the things I was asking for were reasonable and in reach.

That being said,  I walked away from a would be relationship after let’s call him Jeff decided to confess his desire and love for me. He decided to make his move out of fear that I would be taken and he would lose the chance and the courage to come after me seeing as he had been secretly pining over me for years. Strangely enough he wasn’t the only man whom I had friendships with who began to talk of wanting a romantic relationship that led to marriage with me.

Jeff is a good guy so I decided to hear the brotha out and we began spending time together and not too long after we started dating he started hymnin and hawing about needing to get some things straight before we continued the courting process. Seeing as I felt Jeff was a good guy it took me by surprise when he started back peddling. I gave it a slight moment, more like second and then without hesitation I ended our brief courtship.

Two years had passed and needless to say, we recently had a conversation and he said, “he was both hurt and angry when I told him to fuck off.”  He went on to say that he was genuine in his feelings for me and his intentions were true. ” I was going to give you what you wanted I just could not give it to you when you wanted it, you wanted it right then! You expected me to give you what you wanted when you wanted it!”

I responded, ” When should I expect to get what I want? I told him, ” If, you asked me for something I would give it to you right now.” He looked at me as if him getting what he wanted immediately seemed reasonable but somehow he was confused in my desire to receive in the present moment. He went on to say that if I had waited until he got things in order then I could have gotten what I wanted. My response to him was, ” You should have came with your things already in order or you should have been willing to have a courtship and get your affairs together simultaneously- I wasn’t waiting on you!”

Jeff reminded me in our conversation that although I said, I was open to the relationship I came fully armed and armored and that it was difficult for him to get me to open up. As he spoke I looked him in his eyes and I listened as he told me some not so great things about myself and how I had deeply hurt him with my assumptions about him being full of shit. He also told me wonderful things about myself, how my natural nature was sweetness and how I had allowed my past environments, family and friends betrayals to keep me in a state of self-defense ready for war. The four year war for my liberation through a messy and ugly divorce had taken it’s toll, yet I had refused to drop my weapons-my weapons had become friends or so I thought.

Jeff seemed perplexed that I was not able to take him seriously and was offended that I thought so little of his true desire and love for me. He went on to say, ” Anyone woman he loves should know that he loves her without having to say it!” I’m like-how the hell I’m I supposed to know that without you saying it?  I’m like- you would have to tell me or communicate it in such a way that I know I’m loved. Who is going to assume someone loves them? Anyway, despite our initial misunderstandings I sat and actively listened to him and learned that men have deep feelings even if they do not express them. I had to apologize for hurting his feelings, however I wasn’t apologizing for refusing to wait. It seemed because I had refused to wait he wanted me even more.

Ladies, Demand What You Want